Back in 2002, when Kingdom Hearts was first released, the marriage of Disney-style worlds and Final Fantasy characters into a Square Enix-style RPG was overwhelming.
but Kingdom Hearts 4 is in a very different media landscape where only a few companies own a vast amount of the relevant pop culture franchises and everything is an expanded crossover universe.
With so many properties under one roof, the only limit to how deep fan service can go is how brave the licensing team feels that afternoon. And whether Tina has a farewell party in the office that day and whether the emergency liquor bottle was released for the occasion.
These are all of Disney’s own characters to include in Kingdom Hearts 4 if they really want to take the series to the next level now that it’s in active development.
Bite down on my shiny metal Keyblade.
The best bending unit of the year 3000 would make the ultimate summoner character, spewing alcoholic fire at anyone and anything in its path, twisting metal with its bare hands, and transforming into a fearsome werwagen for a devastating finisher.
Either that or you simply turn the rubber boat into the Planet Express and call it a day.
You know that part in the first Kingdom Hearts where you’re in space and get sucked into Pinocchio’s Whale, Monstro?
Well, what if you docked in a really dangerous place? Like the Xenomorph-infested Nostromo from the original Alien.
But hey, since we’re trying to get the maximum mileage out of brand recognition, how about if you’re not being pursued by a sharp-mouthed, scythe-clawed horror from beyond the stars, how about you’re like in the bounty hunter Din Djarin be hunted? that episode from the first series of The Mandalorian where he kills everyone on a ship like the alien in Alien.
That’s what we call fan service.
The Waterskiing Squirrel on ESPN 8: the Ocho – Dodgeball
You might think this is just a dumb selection of memes. And you would be right.
But really, we’re very smart because this is a classic example of Disney eventually owning everything.
While Disney has owned a majority stake in ESPN since the ’90s, it wasn’t until 2019 that it bought 20th Century Studios along with the rest of Fox.
So not only do they now own the world’s premier destination for rarely seen sports from around the world like tractor racing, flame soccer and squirrel waterskiing, but they’ve also caught the makers of dodgeball.
It’s a bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.
Charles Dickens and Rizzo the Rat – The Muppet Christmas Carol
Who needs Donald and Goofy as companions when you’ve got the dynamic duo from literally the greatest Christmas movie of all time in your pocket?
Already adept at guiding an almighty audience through dense stories that shift between dimensions, Muppets – which is by far the best invention of all time, for our money – makes everything better. No exceptions, it’s the law.
Everyone always falls asleep in Kingdom Hearts, so why not get one more sleep until Christmas?
Jack Bauer – 24
Ask your dad/younger uncle/cool friend about the ’00s classic 24, where each hour-long episode of a 24-part series made up a full day in the life of crack counter-terrorism agent Jack Bauer.
Keywords: a bunch of people working without sleep, constantly yelling urgently into cell phones, and a post-9/11 nightmarish “at all costs” worship of endless collateral damage and “improved interrogation techniques”. The end justifies the means, right? …To the right?
The concept of realistic timeline fits Kingdom Hearts like a giant white Mickey glove, as each cutscene feels like it’s going to last 24 real hours anyway.
Also, star Keifer Sutherland is no stranger to video games, having grumbled about 12 lines as Venom Snake in Metal Gear Solid V: Phantom Pain – a role Sutherland only accepted after Hideo Kojima appeared to him in a dream and granted him three wishes (what he wished for is still unknown).
Let’s just say this much: With a little waterboarding, they would have found Kairi much faster.
A superhero team consisting of Brian the dog, Nibbler, Itchy and Scratchy
Just slapping a Marvel hero would be too easy, so why not create a new team from the huge selection of cartoon characters?
Extremely violent, gullible and ready to ram any unfortunate Heartless through a wood chipper, this animal squad of beloved adult animation friends are here to save the day.
The gags write themselves. Since they’re all basically Rocket Raccoon, Bradley Cooper can make them all talk, they all call themselves rabbits like in that other movie you saw, and if they’ve outlived their usefulness, send them just go to their home planet and say they died on the way back.
Wanderer – The Walking Dead
Halloween Town has some new residents: hyper-realistic, blood-soaked, and decaying monstrosities born from an over-budget show with no plot to spend it on.
Apparently, Disney also owns ABC’s The Walking Dead – the final season of which is streaming now on Disney+, in case the ad campaign hasn’t already permeated all facets of your being – so these waddling deathwalkers are a good game to add some necrotic spice to your favorite childhood memories.
Sure, it’ll push the age rating up a bit. But the tiny minds of children would never be able to follow the complex narrative structure and emotional resonance of a game level set in the world of Hercules, would they?
Wisteria Lane – Desperate Housewives
Kingdom Hearts is what we nerds all want in our lives, so it’s only fair to include the show that our moms also wanted in their lives.
Where fantasy lands full of magic and wonder might seem more interesting, the sleepy suburb of Wisteria Lane would really be the most action-packed planet of the bunch.
With tornadoes, plane crashes and more poisoning than Disney World’s giant turkey leg stand can handle, Sora and his friends must use all their skills to escape unscathed.
Unfortunately, in our first story draft, Jiminy Cricket does not survive.
Dewey – Malcolm in the middle
As the Kingdom Hearts series progresses, Sora is getting older. It’s time for fresh blood. The future is now, old man.
That’s why we’re committed to turning Malcolm in the Middle, Dewey, into the new main series protagonist.
No further questions will be asked for the time being.
How’s that for a framing device?
Earth is just another planet in the vast galaxy of trademarked and registered copyrighted material.
Only One Man Believes The Truth Is Out There: (20th Century) He and Fox Mulder, along with skeptical sidekick Dana Scully, must blow the case wide.
Through Alan Wake-style vignettes set apart from the main story, you piece together the harrowing reality: a humanized mouse is king of the universe, chipmunks have mastered space travel before humans, and ducks have risen to become powerful wizards wielding fire, air, and lightning.
We’re not alone, but you’d wish we were with this uncanny knowledge.
https://www.vg247.com/kingdom-hearts-4-disney-owned-properties-we-want-to-see 10 Inappropriate Disney Traits We Want To See In Kingdom Hearts 4