I’ve been dating my new boyfriend for a few months and it’s been going well for years. Then we had a big argument, and it seems like everything has changed. We were super close and texted each other all day, and now he barely talks to me. We had another debate before, and it was the same, but it didn’t feel as bad. He accuses me of not caring about him and I don’t know why – I’m crazy about him! Things were usually fine, and then this really threw me. I don’t know how to convince him that I like him. I think my friends are sick of hearing about it because I always ask for their advice. I don’t think they want to hear or see him again, but I don’t know what’s right for me. I want to plan to spend time together over Christmas, but I think he won’t want to discuss that now. What do I have to do next to get this work back on track or back to the way it was?
Dr West replied: I have reason to be concerned here. This sounds like the foundation for an unhealthy relationship.
Unhealthy relationships can be like a roller coaster ride. They may feel so amazing and that this person is the most amazing person to ever love you so much, but then something happens and it makes them feel so heartbroken. The cycle of making up and breaking up just started. This constant change – and fear of it – creates a very unstable foundation for a relationship and will make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Waiting for the next argument is not only bad for the relationship, it’s also bad for our physical and mental health. The frenetic, passionate, sublime relationships that movies portray as the norm for love often don’t reflect a healthy relationship. True love is calm, nurturing, supportive, and passionate where not destructive passion makes you feel gross in a bad way.
Accusing you of not caring about him can make you feel like you have to prove it, which means a) he doesn’t trust you and b) he needs constant reassurance that you care For him, this is not easy at all. status. Our actions and words show how we feel about people — we don’t need to test or prove our love. It’s a way to keep you jumping through hoops and will prove to be very draining of your energy. Your friends may see things that you don’t, but if all you say is arguing and arguing, they’ll naturally have a negative opinion of him. The fact that you reminisce and dissect those behaviors too much can be an over-attachment to it, which could be a sign of anxiety due to the way you are being treated. When we are uncertain about our safety in a relationship, we can spend our time playing detectives and trying to analyze things, instead of enjoying the freedom that comes from trust, security, and trust. security, security, and comfort in a healthy relationship.
Ignoring you shows emotional immaturity, an unwillingness to solve problems, and the ease and comfort of hurting you through silent treatment.
Adult relationships involve arguments – we don’t always agree with each other and arguing in itself is not a sign of alarm. The problem is how you communicate when there is a problem and how to solve it. Ignoring you shows emotional immaturity, unwillingness to solve problems, and the ease and comfort of hurting you through silent treatment. We’ll be able to discuss topics we’re in conflict with in a way that both of us still feel heard and loved. This is not the case here. You didn’t make it clear what the argument was about, but even if it was something small or big, his response sounded disproportionate. Relationships shouldn’t be like a battle, and an argument shouldn’t leave us feeling hopeless and uncertain for days. Nor is it just one person who is the ‘settler’ – relationships are beneficial for all parties involved.
I would scrutinize the future of this relationship if I were you. There are some red flags here, and there are certainly grounds to pause and reflect on what you’re getting out of this relationship and listen to what your instincts tell you. The core value of any relationship, whether it’s a sexual interaction for a one-night stand or a fully committed relationship, is respect. In what ways do you feel he shows you respect?
You’ve been in this relationship for a few months and these problems are already taking their toll. Do you want to move on in the hope that this person will change the way they treat you or do you want to put yourself first and protect your peace? You don’t have to put all of this work into a relationship where feelings and respect don’t seem to be for each other.
Ask him to meet up to discuss getting over this and ask him how he plans to handle conflicts in the future. Set some boundaries about how you expect to be treated and explain why and how his behavior hurts you. His response will be key here. If he can listen, he will explain his actions, offer a sincere apology, and find out how things will work out. If he gets defensive and refuses to take any responsibility for the impact of his actions, it’s a sign that he’s unwilling or unable to treat you with the respect you deserve. . If you want someone who wants to share your excitement about Christmas plans, you should look elsewhere.
Your future may or may not be related to this person. Be brutally honest with yourself and listen to what your gut tells you to find the answer that makes you most comfortable.
Dr. West is a sex educator and host of the podcast Glow West, which focuses on sex. Send your question to email@example.com. Dr. West regrets that she cannot answer questions privately
Video of the day
https://www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/asking-for-a-friend-my-boyfriend-accused-me-of-not-being-interested-in-him-and-i-dont-know-why-my-friends-are-sick-of-hearing-about-him-what-do-i-do-42202563.html Ask a Friend: ‘My boyfriend accuses me of not being interested in him and I don’t know why. My friends are sick of hearing about him, what should I do?’