Q: My husband has started having problems with our sexual activity. He was struggling to maintain his erection, and it prevented us from having sex – of any kind. He wouldn’t talk about it and we hadn’t even tried to have sex in a while. I know he’s embarrassed, but I don’t know what to do. I feel rejected and frustrated. He won’t even hug me now and change the subject when I try to speak up. I tried to be gentle and although I regretted it, I lost my temper before him and probably said things I shouldn’t have. I want to be able to enjoy the intimacy and I can’t see why he won’t even talk about it. I tried to talk to my doctor but he wouldn’t say much to me, it’s just that my husband had to come in on his own – but that’s not happening right now. I tried suggesting date nights, but he said he was either busy or too tired. I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. I don’t dream of having an affair or anything, but I don’t know what to do, and I feel unwanted and unloved. I know it’s not true but sometimes I can’t help but think about it. Where do we go from here?
He may feel blamed and previous outbursts will tend to support that feeling. It’s perfectly normal for you to feel upset and frustrated – that’s for sure – but it’s hard to talk about sensitive topics when one party feels guilty, defensive, or even angry. Communication issues are a huge source of stress in relationships, and when it involves highly emotional topics, it can lead to a situation where neither party feels heard. or support, like your situation here.
If and when this particular issue is resolved, reflecting on your communication style will greatly help your relationship, as both of you seem to be struggling with this. This is common, as we don’t get guidance on how to deal with difficult topics in relationships – we have to figure it out in situations that are already difficult. Being more in tune with your communication styles and working with them will help protect your relationship in the future against new problems that arise between the two of you.
As I have mentioned a lot in this column, sex is more than just penetration. Sex is physical, of course, but it’s also emotional, spiritual, and a way to connect with each other on a deep level. Our skin and brain are the biggest sex organs that are overlooked in favor of our genitals and there is a penis inside the vagina. We sometimes have sex when what we really want is to feel loved and cuddled, but we often find it hard to ask for it because that often means being vulnerable. Think of it this way – it’s socially acceptable to ask a stranger in a nightclub for sex, but if we ask them to go home and just cuddle, that’s almost considered odd. But people need to be touched – many during the pandemic have spoken of feeling hungry for touch and missing out on the daily hugs we get from lovers, friends and family.
Talk to your husband and explain that not all intimacy involves penetration, but that you miss out on other sides to intimacy like cuddling – naked or dressed up, in bed or on the couch – and they don’t have to lead to anything else if it doesn’t want to. A few attempts at doing so will help ease the pressure he’s feeling and remind him that closeness is nurturing and loving. It is not foreplay or related to the next steps. It could just be its own thing. This will help maintain your connection while you deal with other issues and remind you to maintain intimacy in any form even after your other issues are resolved.
I recommend trying to talk to him calmly, outside of the bedroom, and in a non-judgmental way. He will benefit from a trip to the doctor, as erectile problems can be a symptom of many health problems such as narrowing of the arteries, limiting blood flow to the penis. If this is the case, it could be a concern for his heart or a sign of diseases like diabetes. Erectile problems can be emotional or physical, or a combination of the two, and can feel like a bigger barrier to climbing the longer the situation lasts.
Find some medical information sources to give him and he can explore in his own time. Start with episode 85 of my podcast Glow West Reece Malone, who will talk about the different reasons why getting an erection can be difficult. The source of compassion and information will provide a gentle way for him to discover what could be a very anxiety-provoking problem.
He needs to work this out, not just for any underlying health issues, but for the health of your relationship. It is subtle, but cannot be ignored. Kindness will go a long way in getting your intimacy back on track.
Dr. West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast. Send your question to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr. West is sorry that she cannot answer questions privately
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