Question: My husband drinks a lot — maybe about a bottle of wine a night, more on weekends, and I’m pretty happy with that because it doesn’t affect my life too much. I don’t drink alcohol myself – probably because of how much he drinks. We have four kids – teenagers now, so someone has to be around when they’re young. The thing is, it’s a huge barrier to our intimacy. I love him but I hate alcohol, if you understand me. I felt like alcohol was always coming in front of me and I was upset that he hadn’t even considered giving up alcohol to be closer to me. So I don’t feel like getting close.
I drank more over Christmas, which is predictable, and we don’t argue about it because I haven’t said anything yet – which I usually do, because when I say something often ends up in the holiest rows. I have suppressed my true feelings for the sake of peace, mainly so that my children can grow up in a peaceful home. But is this the right thing to do? Keeping the peace for the sake of the children? Or should I start thinking about myself?
Allison replied: Keeping the peace is something done with the good intention of protecting children. In the past, you’ve tried to talk about your husband’s drinking and once you know how the argument will end – which is always bad – you’ll naturally stop arguing in the first place. However, the cost of ‘keeping the peace’ can be high — and not just for you.
No one knows what this will be like for your family except you. People make harsher moral judgments on others and think ‘if this were me, I wouldn’t put up with this’, which further makes people unwilling to share vulnerable information. compassion for others. It’s been an honor to hear people’s personal stories of life experiences. I want people to be kinder and less black-and-white about the suffering that people have to endure or repress. There is nuance and dynamics in people’s private daily lives that are incorporated when addiction emerges.
It makes sense that you can’t be intimate. Intimacy requires us to appear and be connected in a way that makes you feel safe and honest about how you feel. Even in your home if you continue to pretend to prevent roundabout arguments, that facade will reduce the privacy in your bedroom.
You can smile, or not say what’s bothering you or upset you, when drinking in front of the kids, but your body can’t and doesn’t want to pretend to be in private. I imagine a bottle is placed between the two of you. Its presence is visceral and gross. It almost feels like a betrayal when he chooses to drink over you because I’m sure he knows you’re not happy with that.
The word you used is frustrating. Resentment takes time to form and is deeply destructive to the health of any relationship. I understand why you stop expressing your feelings but maybe instead of keeping the peace it creates a huge gap in terms of what you know is acceptable and not for you.
What do you want? What do you think needs to happen? Here’s the hard part: if he’s not willing to consider solving his problems with alcohol, what does that mean for you now and in the future? This is a particularly difficult and important question for you to ask yourself.
The lack of argument is like the silent repression of your emotions. It can get you through the day when you show your family’s faces but it can’t allow you to connect intimately when it’s just the two of you. What do you want to say to him? As an exercise, write it all down. What would you say to a friend in a similar position? This is not to refute the earlier comment of harsh people towards disadvantaged people, but to allow you to look at this from a more objective perspective.
In relationships, marriage, and family, making decisions becomes a lot more difficult. I will approach this gently – I understand that you want your child to grow up in a peaceful home and that all your efforts are not having the behavioral impact you expect. This is because you are dealing with an addiction for which he has not taken responsibility or ownership and this is something only he can do.
What are the consequences of silence? It’s more than not being able to be intimate. It shows your teens that you accept things that I’m sure they know you’re uncomfortable with. They are learning that if you voice your concerns, the conversation will end in anger. They are learning to accept and suppress their emotions and silence reasonable worries in a relationship. ‘Peace’ is suppressed leaving a pyrrhic victory as it rises with short-term peace but lasting devastation.
There is never a good time to do this. But sometimes after an alcohol-heavy time like Christmas, it can offer the possibility of an intervention where you can set boundaries clearly and effectively. Ask yourself, what would that look like? Becoming clear about this is your first step. Moving away from rejection is the one he will face. Dealing with the consequences of that if he’s not willing to consider changes is something you probably need to deal with. What does that mean to you? You mentioned that you felt he chose the drink first – now ask when was the last time you chose yourself first.
Allison regrets that she was unable to participate in the correspondence. If you have a question you would like answered in this column, send an email allisonk@independent.ie
