Ask Allison: My husband only told me about his vasectomy after I told him I wanted another baby – I’m so hurt and mad at him for making the decision alone

I feel so betrayed and angry. His reply was that I always talk about women having control over their bodies but when he decides to do so it’s a different story. He said he didn’t discuss it with me because I was being unreasonable about this and that we had agreed to be just the two of us when we were married first. I am very confused and angry, is he right? I’m upset for no reason and is that his right?

Allison replied: When it comes to life and relationships, I think it’s always more complicated than a straight answer of who’s right and who’s wrong. I liken this kind of good or bad thinking to a Pyrrhic Victory, whereby when winning the ‘war’ is right, you still lose with the impact of property damage done along the way.

Black and white thinking makes people supportive and doesn’t solve many things. The question to ask is what led to this decision being made without you and how, or if this can be resolved?

There are a lot of factors and feelings that go into what you’re going through right now. Let’s start with how this revelation, which I am sure a shock to you, has been for you. Have you had the opportunity to process what it means to you?

A mother’s urge to have another child can feel all-encompassing. As your brain begins to focus on your desire to have another child, you may notice that you have strollers everywhere and every woman you come across looking pregnant. The Grid Activation System (RAS) kicks in and filters out what appears to be a huge increase in pregnant women – when in reality, it’s just your brain figuring out what’s important. for you at this time.

There may be grief for the child you have longed for and which you feel is always available for you. Future hopes and dreams carry a quiet sadness that people may feel hesitant to express during pregnancy and/or that the child is not a part of your future.

Grief can bring with it a sense of loss that has been taken away before it was properly considered. When you don’t get a chance to come through this decision together and it’s made without your input, it could very well make you angry and resentful towards your husband.

I hear what your husband is saying about autonomy over his own body, male or female. However, when it comes to decisions that affect both of you as a couple, parent, and family, it can be heartbreaking to have that decision overlooked. Involved in the decision, even if he decides to have a vasectomy, feel included and your opinion and voice are valued.

To be told ‘you are absurd’ without even being allowed to feel so must have felt harsh.

Couples can struggle when past hurts go unresolved – the point is that unresolved pain or frustration increases and can become uncomfortable and often long-lasting.

Not only does this hinder a couple’s ability to thrive, but it also traps them in an unhealthy idea of ​​who they think their partner is.

I don’t know how past conflicts have been resolved, but this is what is beneficial when counseling couples.

Hurt has many layers. The meanings and stories attached to that trauma can create a painful story.

What do you want your husband to know? What do you think he wants you to know?

Of course, we only see life from our own perspective – it’s easy to slip into ‘how could he do this to me?’

It can be a slower journey to ask for the same of us.

You want four kids and he wants two. Did that leave both of you?

You’ve had these conversations – as you mentioned, he died for it. How did you consider that for him when you had the second? Perhaps this is where he feels there may be a double standard between bodily autonomy across the sexes. Equality is equality for everyone. Ponder this from a place of compassion and empathy for a moment and step into his shoes to see it from his perspective.

Taking turns actively empathizing with one another can help narrow down feelings of betrayal and broken trust.

Understanding each other’s perspective on such important parts of your family life requires a constructive and supportive framework for both of you to work out how to understand, be able to forgive, or work through your feelings. multi-layered damage.

Breaking free of black and white thinking and understanding each other’s inner worlds can help bring about important conversations and express the future need to be included in the big life decisions that affect all of you.

Learning about past communication blockers can help identify future problems before they arise.

Allison regrets that she was unable to participate in the correspondence. If you have a question you want addressed in this column, send an email allisonk@independent.ie