Ask Allison My wife refuses to learn to drive. She says she’s too scared – I think she’s selfish
Question: My wife refuses to learn to drive. It wasn’t such a big deal when the kids were in crèche when she walked them there, but now that they’re older and there are birthday parties and activities outside of walking, I feel like a cab driver. I also have to do all the shopping and all the many things that require a car. We both work full time. Her answer is that she does all the childcare and I would never do anything with the kids if she drove.
She also says she is very scared and just can’t even think of driving on a freeway or in heavy traffic. I think she’s incredibly selfish.
How can I get them to challenge themselves and help our family?
Allison replies: When we call someone up and say they are “incredibly selfish,” the ensuing behavior can potentially range from a response that is uncooperative at best to disconnected and fractious at worst.
Would it be fair to say that you are angry with your wife? The feeling of anger informs us when we feel that what is happening is unfair. As this continues with activities, parties, shopping, and the usual roller-coaster rides that happen with children, resentment and ongoing frustration are likely to build up, which isn’t good for anyone.
It’s important that you acknowledge and process your feelings about all of this and be clear about how you’re feeling. How it is expressed is imperative in order to hopefully arrive at a mutually satisfactory outcome.
There is one more thing to add to the mix for consideration. Rather than seeing your wife’s unwillingness to learn to drive as selfish, you might want to realize that there seems to be a genuine fear of driving, and as you said, it causes her “a great deal of anxiety.”
Anxiety while driving is a common problem, especially on freeways. I wonder about the effects of a person driving under the influence of anxiety and think it wise that the first seat they sit in is in the company of a therapist rather than in the driver’s seat. There she could use compassionate and practical CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) techniques and skills to deal with her fear of driving (if she is willing) as confronting or even thinking about the driving anxiety or phobia will trigger it.
One of the frustrations for people with anxiety is that they know that when they do, they should be able to drive, and then they compare themselves negatively to themselves and feel even worse for not feeling able to do so as it seems so much easier to others. Fear can rob you of the freedom to function the way you want and often leads to a tremendous loss of confidence.
Feelings of frustration coupled with feelings of guilt and the knowledge that this is causing problems in the family and in your marriage will only make you feel bad about the whole situation. I know this doesn’t help you, but maybe the perspective can strengthen the empathy and connection for both of you as you may be feeling overwhelmed as well.
“If you look a little deeper, maybe a conversation about gender role expectations would be helpful, and for both of you, if you come to the table prepared with answers to the following question: What did you think about implicit and explicit gender roles growing up?” are? assumptions where and why?’
When she talks about being stuck in heavy traffic, it indicates the intensity of the fear, as this feeling of being trapped is so difficult to explain when it seems so irrational to others. Criticism in a personally destructive way leads to increased frustration in the interest of all. Do you know when the fear of driving started? Something happened? Have you spoken about it, has she spoken about how it is for her and vice versa?
This conversation is about understanding each other’s difficulties and then examining what can be done. One suggestion to lighten the ferry load is to ask if your wife could do the weekly online grocery shopping.
If you look a little deeper, perhaps a conversation about gender role expectations would be helpful, and the two of you could come to the table prepared with answers to the following question: What did you think about the implicit and explicit assumptions of gender roles growing up? where and why?
To justify this in detail and pull out helpful questions that might provide clues or identifiers, look at who had the role of earning, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, remembering, and buying the gifts , make doctor/health appointments, buy teacher gifts, textbooks, uniforms, pay tuition, add whatever seems relevant to both of you.
There is so much unseen and unpaid work as a parent. Since you both work full-time, questioning gender roles in a curious and non-defensive way could yield a lot of useful information. Being on the same team as a couple feels so different than being told you’re selfish, which is emotional at all times.
There’s a problem here, articulate what’s not working for both of you. Leave personal comments at the door. Come from a rational point of view: “OK, this is the situation as it is now, what can we do?” and then brainstorm and make a plan.
Moms carpool and share pickups and drops, sometimes the male partners are not in the whatsapp groups making sharing the taxi load more difficult, so maybe you could join the group?
It is good to question and work on solvable problems, if not to look at them from a different perspective.
Perhaps the resentment is not only with you, ask your wife what contribution you make to the upbringing of children in her opinion. This could be a tough but enlightening conversation. I hope the kick start questions help you both.
Allison regrets that she cannot correspond. If you have a question you would like raised in this column, send an email allisonk@independent.ie
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