Question: I’ve been in the same circle of friends since my early teens. Now I found out that one of my friends who is getting married asked all the other girls to be her bridesmaids and not me. It makes me feel very hurt and left out. She hasn’t discussed this with me or explained why I’m the outsider. She didn’t tell me herself, one of the others told me.
I’m not sure how to go about this situation and feel really isolated from this group. I feel like I’ve completely lost my friendships – or have I reconsidered my friendship with this group? I appreciate that it’s her wedding and she can do whatever she wants, but it hurt and I feel so lonely.
Allison replies: I can tell from your words how lonely and upset you are. Life, let alone weddings, is so outrageously expensive that if not for just one more friend from the group would have been included in the bridal shower and if she had told you so directly and in a way that shows that If she wanted to protect the future of the friendship, repairs would have been possible. From the looks of it, it must be hard not to take it personally.
Taking that thought in a different direction, being aware of your own deal breakers in romantic relationships is an essential part of a good relationship. Healthy relationships require you to be able to identify what is a deal breaker for you in all of your relationships. In doing so, the power dynamic shifts from what they did to you to “What am I willing to accept?”. and ‘Why do I allow them to treat me like this?’ At this time you may feel stuck in the pain of rejection and exclusion. I ask you gently: What do you get from these friendships? Spend some time thinking about it. We all know that in friendships there can be unrequited love and the exchange has to be mutual.
It’s not that you’ve thought about the friendships, how people behave towards you is what needs to be explored. Historical friendships – especially female friendships – can sometimes exist because the group exists. You may have a name for yourself that is often featured in the WhatsApp group. This creates a sense of identity, of being part of the group. But how that works out can be very different. It’s hard to see what’s inside. What do you think another friend outside of the group would say to that?
What is the woman who marries like? Are there any previous histories or problems? how to get together How do you feel in their company and how do you feel afterwards? Honesty is a brave and humane way of dealing with difficult situations. Hearing that from the other friend must have been a shock, and then the aftershock because you didn’t hear it from her.
My first question to you is do you like her? Before you answer, pause and reflect on your friendship over the years. Friendship group dynamics don’t mean everyone has to like each other — and that’s fine if it’s not used as a power play to make you feel “less than.” Was there a time when you felt like friends? Has something happened or changed? I make a big caveat here – it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
Being isolated from a group is a process. Is there someone you can trust that you could ask? “I wanted to check with you privately about how I feel about our group. I feel like I’m being left out or pushed aside.” Her answer isn’t the deciding factor, as the group dynamic may be so intact that they may be afraid to say it, or they may not want to hurt you.
The way this is handled is like a group of 15 year olds (no offense to 15 year olds). It takes time to mature emotionally, it doesn’t come naturally. There is a lack of emotional maturity here, which is unfriendly. Friendship groups can get stuck in ways of being and behaving. Do you really want to stay in this group? How does this group create friendship? What does friendship mean to you? May I ask you to write that down and then highlight the good and bad times over the years?
I have no idea of the state of this friendship group or the individual dynamics you have together. Does the group feel warm? Does it feel supportive? Does it feel safe? What I mean by that is can you be your authentic self? Can you show yourself as you are? Can you speak directly to your friend? What do you want to say? It’s often the first thing that comes to mind.
In order to think about your next step, you need to find the answers to the questions above. Exclusion and isolation are words that are part of bullying behavior. In terms of feeling left out, if the friendship makes you feel lonely, an important question is why do you want to belong? Rejection is extraordinarily painful: we are programmed to fit in and fit in. Now ask, “Would you treat a friend like that?” You deserve to be treated like that.
Allison regrets that she cannot correspond. If you have a question you would like raised in this column, send an email allisonk@independent.ie
