Asking About a Friend: “I have feelings for my boyfriend, but I know that he has been cheated on in the past. Would he be different with me?’

We’ve flirted before when we’re alone, but when we’re in our group of friends we don’t seem to flirt as much as I think he doesn’t want the rest of the group to know that something’s going on.

I’m a bit hesitant to go any further because I know he’s cheated on previous girlfriends and even did it in front of the rest of us on nights out.

I think we could otherwise have a good relationship as we share many similar likes and dislikes and we aim to work in the same career field which we often talk about. I’m very physically attracted to him and I think he’s really smart and funny.

This crush has been going on for over seven months and I don’t know whether to fool him or try to get rid of my feelings for him. The rest of our friends don’t know I have feelings for him and I’m not sure how they would feel about it.

Would he be any different with me since we were friends at first and it’s not like that with the other women he dates?

dr West replies: This guy might sound great when you look at him through rose-colored glasses and a flutter in your stomach, but take a step back for a moment. You may share likes and dislikes when it comes to music, food, etc., but do you have the same values?

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This is a man who you know does not share the values ​​of respect and honesty in a relationship as he cheats on his girlfriends. The fact that his cheating is so open that there are witnesses means he really doesn’t care about getting caught or hurting his partner at all. This adds an extra element of callousness to his behavior.

Sometimes we may think that we can “change” or heal people with love. The harsh reality is we can’t. It’s like trying to change an alcoholic – the change has to come from them willingly. Some people refer to this feeling of wanting to change someone as a “nanny” or “fixer” role.

This role occurs when one person spends far too much time and energy fixing the other person while making excuses for toxic behavior and ignoring red flags. This keeps you in a relationship that is unequally taxing and therefore unhealthy – you will be the one pouring everything into him while he stays the same. This will leave you exhausted and less focused on your own life and happiness.

Change has to come from within, and while we don’t have to be perfect masterpieces of complete human beings before we enter into relationships, we do have to be a work in progress. We’ve all had negative experiences or issues that can affect our self-image, but it’s our responsibility to work on ourselves — not anyone else.

Instead of putting your energy into that person, put it into yourself. It can be helpful to work with a therapist to understand why you’re falling into the fixer role and to identify past experiences that led you to commit to be attracted to this role.

This guy is a person who shows the world that he doesn’t appreciate the women he’s dating – you need to figure out why you’re attracted to this disrespect and this harmful behavior.

Be kind to yourself during this process: There is no blame here. Previous negative experiences can lower our boundaries and foster a sense of disconnection from our true selves and self-esteem. That can change when we reflect on ourselves and take the time to nurture ourselves.

There’s a red flag in your letter – he’ll flirt with you when no one else is around, but change his demeanor when the rest of your friends are around. Sure, he might want to avoid any slag from your friends, but he might also box you in to avoid your friends warning you about him.

Healthy relationships involve open and honest interaction with groups of friends. Keeping your flirt secret is not a good sign that they have good intentions, that this is an open and healthy relationship, but rather shows calculation and a tendency to secrecy, neither of which are attractive traits.

Here, too, the sunken cost fallacy plays a role. The time we’ve invested in a relationship or crush sometimes makes us think, “I’ve been giving this to myself all along; it has to pay off”, which keeps people hoping and staying. You can choose to spend more time hoping that person is in the right mood to treat you differently than everyone else, or you can give yourself permission to cut your losses and focus on yourself to concentrate.

You may think that you are different from the other girls and that he will not cheat on you, but what can really make you different from the rest is not getting along with him and spending your time waiting for him to meet you cheating.

You deserve a partner who won’t hide you, who won’t cheat on you, who won’t humiliate you, and who will shout out your worth instead of telling the world they don’t appreciate you enough to stop cheating. There are other people out there who share your likes and dislikes without questioning whether they will treat you right.

Spend time figuring out what healthy relationships mean to you and establish the kind of boundaries that help you communicate what kind of relationship you want to have.

Putting yourself first will bring benefits that will nourish you for years to come, and you deserve respect.

dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyouquestions@independent.ie. dr West regrets that she cannot answer questions privately