Asking for a Friend: “My partner and I want to spice up our sex life, but I’m nervous that I won’t be good. Where do we start?

I think I might like BDSM as I’ve seen some movies and it looks interesting, but it seems like there’s a lot going on as well and I’m not sure how to start finding what works for us. How do we explore our fantasies when we don’t really know where to start?

dr West replies: Just because you both expressed a desire to change things up a little doesn’t mean there was something wrong with your past sex life or your entire relationship. There is nothing to worry about as you have both shown that you can communicate about an issue and have agreed to work on it together as a shared learning experience. This is a sign of a healthy relationship. We’re constantly working on other skills like driving, studying, or job-related skills, and sexual skills should be viewed in the same light.

Working on it means that we are constantly getting better and better understanding what works for us, what our limitations are and what we are getting into. All of this helps with nervousness, along with open communication – your partner will likely be just as nervous and excited, and that’s totally fine.

There are many sources to help you start exploring fantasies. Porn is obvious, but since there is a smorgasbord of content out there, it will take some searching to find the type of content that is right for you. Some ethical sites where performers are treated well and engage in more accurate depictions of sexual acts are Lustery, Bright Desire, Make Love Not Porn, and Crash Pad.

Apps like Dipsea also offer a possibility. It’s an audio erotic app that appeals to many because our auditory senses can be just as important as our visual senses. The short series hysterical literature can also appeal; It involves performers sitting on sex toys while reading classic literature until they reach orgasm – all that is seen on screen is the performer sitting over a table holding the book while fully clothed. Content like ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) can also be engaging. Some users find this low-frequency audio relaxing; others might find it irritating. Some people like to hear the sounds of breathing or the sounds of sex.

Porn is often criticized for its graphic nature, with uncompromising close-ups of genitals and bodily fluids being part of the pornographic narrative. However, words are often in short supply in much of mainstream pornography. After the initial enactment of the scenario, women are often non-verbal apart from moans and screams of ecstasy. This misses out on the sonic pleasures that can add a whole different element of excitement to the sexual experience.

All of these options can involve finding what works for you, which is both a positive and a negative. The negative side is that it can be frustrating to search through content that you might not like (for many reasons), but the positive side is that it can be a search you can do together while talking about it, what your likes and dislikes are. Sometimes we don’t know what that is or we don’t even think about some activities until we see them, as sex and sexuality is a huge spectrum that encompasses many different activities, identities and desires – and that’s a good thing.

You can also get rid of the external sources and focus on exploring your body. Our skin contains so many erogenous zones that extend beyond our genitals, but they’re often overlooked in favor of the more obvious parts of the body. You can take turns exploring each other’s bodies using different types of touches. Different parts of the body like softer or firmer pressure, different types of touch. This is where communication really comes in – tell each other what feels good and what doesn’t. In BDSM, people often use a safe word, which means all actions must be stopped immediately. Others use the traffic light system: red means stop immediately; Orange means it’s good, but slow down or take a minute’s rest, and green means everything’s fine.

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BDSM is a broad umbrella term for many activities and can include pain play, sensation play, power exchange, and much more. Some of these activities are worlds apart, so open communication goes well with an open mind in exploring what works for you. Some media depictions of BDSM can be really scary, or really unrealistic — or really unhealthy. However, kink can also be soft and nurturing: it’s all about intention, connection, and approval.

Some good resources to get you started are books such as The new topping book and The new soil formation book by Janet Hardy, and there are hundreds of workshops kinkacademy.com with qualified sex educators. You can also buy kink toys at sexsiopa.iethat will be sent discreetly.

It is often said that men are visual creatures and women are more interested in eroticism and reading, but this is not entirely true and can lead us to limit ourselves. There will be no one else to judge you, so try to shed the weight of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” be interested in. to enjoy without guilt.

dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyouquestions@independent.ie. dr West regrets that she cannot answer questions privately