‘Finding out who I am took me a while. When I was a teenager, I thought I was straight. I had crushes all through middle school and periodically through high school, but then they started to slow down considerably.
Halfway through my college years, I thought I was bisexual because I could definitely see how beautiful women are. I stuck with that mindset for a long time but the reality is that I always feel uncomfortable on a few dates.
As I progressed in life, I started to wonder why I’d never even kissed someone, let alone had sex. It’s not like I’m saving myself for marriage or anything like that. There are no moral decisions to be made and I am quite a sexually active person.
When I discovered my asexuality two or three years ago, it was a relief to know that there was a name for my feeling.
Finally, there’s something I can tell people if it comes up in the conversation. If they found out I was a so-called ‘virgin’ – I don’t like that word one bit – at 28, I could point to the term and say, ‘Here’s why’.
I was born in Bellevue, Washington, close to Seattle, and I came to Ireland initially to do my Master’s in Race, Ethnicity & Conflict (Sociology) at Trinity College. I’ve lived in so many places over the past decade, and I feel like during that journey I’ve made more progress in my understanding of myself.
Over the years, I’ve discovered that sexual orientation and romance don’t always go hand in hand. You may feel sexually attracted to other people but not romantically attracted to them – this could mean you’re aromatic. Or you may experience romantic attraction to other people and be asexual.
When I found out I was asexual, I assumed I was also hermaphrodite, which is when a person is attracted to people of the same sex and emotionally different, but that’s not really the case. explain why I don’t want to pursue romantic relationships.
When I realized I had a wonderful fragrance last spring, a wave of absolute contentment and serenity washed over me. It was like, ‘Yes! It makes sense. My life has meaning’.
It’s a pretty liberating realization and it gives me space to think about how I want to live my life. When I envisioned my future when I was young, marriage never appealed to me terribly. But I suppose, growing up, it’s almost expected by a lot of people. I remember, when I was 19, a friend of the same age got married and I thought it was shocking!
I don’t want to have children, and have never wanted to have children, even before I had any idea that I was asexual or heterosexual. I had imagined I would be fostering teenagers when I was in my 50s, but it was a long way off.
I have a few friends who have expressed to me how jealous they are. They said, ‘You don’t have to worry about all the drama of romantic relationships’ and I said, ‘Yeah, I don’t, and it’s awesome!’
Yes, I had to face the drama of how some people didn’t understand what I was, but for the most part, I had a pretty good time and most of the people I spent my time with fully understood. there.
Do I feel like I’m missing out on a sexual experience? Well, the thing is, I’ve never had an orgasm so I don’t know what I’m missing. Also, lying in a super cozy bed like a cinnamon roll is pretty cool too!
In a word, most asexuals are not asexuals. Asexual people can have healthy, happy relationships with asexual people. They have negotiations and there are a lot of asexuals who are happy having sex with their partner because they know it’s what their partner likes. On the other hand, there are asexuals who absolutely hate the idea, but there are still plenty of solutions that people can find.
A lot of people tend to associate asexuality with aromatheism because they are not even aware that romantic tendencies exist. Then, in turn, they tend to get wrapped up in the asexual with not wanting to have children. But that’s not always the case: Asexuals can and do imagine having sex for the sake of reproduction.
I’m not sure how many asexual and sexual people there are in Ireland. I have seen some numbers floating around on the internet estimating that around 1-2pc of people are asexual.
Over the past few years, I’ve met a few people on the clonal spectrum. It usually comes up when I tell them I’m asexual. Then they reflect on it and they can say it right now, or they can come back to me and say, ‘Well, maybe I’m actually somewhere on that spectrum.
I sometimes wonder if there are in fact more asexuals than we realize because, anecdotally at least, I’ve heard a lot of people say things like, ‘Maybe I’m not asexual. but I’m definitely not heterosexual. [a person who regularly feels sexual attraction to others]. ‘
Most people don’t realize that the clonal spectrum has so many orientations. Some people are hermaphrodites, which means they must be in an established romantic relationship, or emotionally attached to someone, to experience sexual attraction.
Then there’s the gray sex, which means people who are very rarely sexually attracted to their entire lives or to just a few people. Some people can make this a bit twisted. They might say, ‘Isn’t everyone like that? Don’t we all choose who we have relationships with? ‘
They are right in that a lot of people are in committed relationships and they are monogamous, or at least they are exclusive. But the difference is that sexual attraction occurs regardless of whether they’re in a relationship – whether or not they’re acting on their particular values, ethics, and inclinations.
Romantic orientation is entering mainstream conversation, certainly in the quaint space. They are slowly adding letters to the LGBT acronym, but the fight for the rights of sexual minorities continues and I hope we become more and more clear.
Some people are very attached to labels and some are not. Personally, I think it’s a great thing to stop and reflect on your sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and gender identity, because a lot of people never do.
As someone who doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship, I still love hearing people’s love stories. And to me, it sounds like you should be friends with your romantic partner. I feel that friendship is the foundation of any strong relationship, romantic or otherwise, and I have many strong friendships in my life.
I have a few close friends, I am very close to my family, and I often cuddle with my cat, Hecate. My life is filled with love – just not the romantic kind.”
As told by Katie Byrne
https://www.independent.ie/life/being-asexual-it-was-such-a-relief-to-find-out-that-there-was-a-name-for-the-way-i-felt-41421158.html Being asexual: ‘It’s a relief to know there’s a name for how I feel’