Classify the enemies of Kirby and the Forgotten Land by how badly I don’t want to kill them
In the magazine store, you’ll find all the weird mistakes on the back that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a full page to make horrible jokes, marginally related to the content of the magazine”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our biannual feature, Back Page. Today Kate is going against the morality of murdering cute little fellows in Kirby…
I’ve been playing Kirby and the Lost Land a lot lately, and while it’s not exactly super challenging in terms of mechanical difficulty, it is extremely morally challenging.
You see, Kirby is a little pink ball of unspecified species, and his friends – the Waddle Dees – are also little, squishy, shape-like things that look like a differently but similar Species. It’s very hard to say what exactly counts as “friendly squishy thing” and “evil enemy squishy thing” other than simply asking yourself, “Are they trying to kill you right now?” Even then, I’m not sure I should kill her right away.
Are these other creatures actually “evil”? They all lived peacefully side by side before Kirby finally showed up and consumed them. As Kirby, am I imposing some kind of horrific order on a happily chaotic world, all in an effort to turn this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee Town? Am I a kind war criminal?
To ease my conscience, I’ve compiled a ranking of all Kirby enemies, with F-Tier “naw, these guys deserve to die” and S-Tier “the people who chose to kill these cuties” . real monsters”. I would like to invite you all to send a hard copy of this article to HAL Laboratory to beg their mercy.
F TIER: These guys deserve to die
 | navel codileI feel like I’m starting out pretty mean because the rodent kodile really doesn’t want to start a fight if he can help it. These big fellas patrol around islands and cannot be inhaled or defeated – you can only dodge them, but if you swim too close they will eat you up. If you run them over with a boat they’re not technically a problem for you, but I think Kirby – a literal god – should be able to take on a crocodile. |
| | ShotzoThey’re just guns with legs. I don’t know how they came about – maybe their mother was a slightly bigger weapon – but they are one of nature’s faults. The only good thing about them is their cute little legs, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes also have small legs, and they suck in any way they can. |
| | mookiesHonestly any enemy based on the creepy grimacing monkey with cymbals toy/torture device can go straight into the bin. |
E TIER: I don’t feel bad about it
| | Balloon MasterI think this might be a personal vendetta, but I hate Balloon-Meister the bomb-throwing sea lion more than I imagine most people do. That’s because I love seals: they’re round and squishy and extremely stupid, and they spend all day lying on beaches and screaming. You are fantastic! Sea lions, on the other hand, are weird and shiny and not so squishy. And the thing is, I go to aquariums, ready to hang out with the soggy sandwiches, and there’s always a friggin’ sea lion with his massive fins and slim body balancing a ball on his nose so it’s alright. No! It doesn’t! You are not seals and I resent you. |
| | mummyMummies are scary! They follow you through the level with their creepy red eyes and I hate them. I’m sorry, but these guys should go back to their sarcophagi and leave Kirby alone. Their only redeeming quality is that they’re round, which is a good shape. |
| | KabuIt’s hard to feel too bad about assassinating enemies that appear like inanimate objects, or at least non-sentient objects. Kabu is everywhere, everywhere, everywhere in the Forgotten Land, and while I’m a bit sorry that he’s being used as a bulk enemy that’s pretty easy to kill, I don’t feel bad for being the one killing him. He’s a sandcastle. |
| | Poison CroakomI haven’t fought this guy yet, but he doesn’t look pleasant. He looks like he gets annoyed at the length of a line, or the kind of person who scolds people for eating bananas in public. In addition, he is covered in poison. This is the kind of character who would call the police for trick or treating. I hate him. |
| | haunt stepI haven’t fought this guy either, but there aren’t many ghostly pursuing enemies I’m on board with. Listen, you’re already dead! Leave me alone or you’ll be doubly dead! |
| | SssnackerYou may be thinking, “How bad can a snake be? He’s just a snake, and snakes are nice.” I agree with you! Snakes are cool! but I think Sssnacker belongs in E Tier for one reason in particular: DIGESTING THINGS IS *MY* THING. Back, snake boy. |
| | twisterIt’s just a little wind, isn’t it? I don’t feel bad about killing the wind. |
D TIER: Meh, not a big loss
| | Big KabuKabu is E-Tier because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face. Big Kabu is D-tier because she is a mother of kabu (which come out of her mouth). Killing mothers is ethically a little worse than…killing their children…right? Oh my goodness. |
| | digguh I like moles. This guy’s a pretty creepy mole though – plus he’s always trying to kill me with his drill. Also, and I’m sorry to say, its design isn’t that cute. |
| | fantasyAnother damn ghost that won’t leave you alone. This one is at least cuter than the others, so it’s upgraded to Tier D. |
| | TortorHe’s just a turtle that got stuck in some concrete. I’m a bit sorry to kill him, mostly because it requires driving a spike into his shell and then into his soft body, but he started out by trying to bite me. |
| | TotengaWhat if a cactus hated you? That is the question Totenga asks. I haven’t fought him yet but I don’t care if he lives or dies because when I was a kid a cactus would fall on my bed while I was sleeping and I had to get spikes out of my skin for days. Don’t ask questions about why there was a cactus near my bed! CAN’T A CHILD SLEEP NEXT TO A CACTUS WITHOUT FEAR? |
Continue to page two to see the C Tier through the S Tier, which will take you from “vaguely humanoid, uncomfortable to kill” to “WHICH MONSTER WOULD KILL THIS CREATURE?!”…
https://www.nintendolife.com/features/back-page-ranking-the-kirby-and-the-forgotten-land-enemies-by-how-much-i-dont-want-to-kill-them Classify the enemies of Kirby and the Forgotten Land by how badly I don’t want to kill them