Dear Mary: I fantasize about women and would rather sleep than have sex with my husband. Am I a lesbian?

I am 60 years old and have never had an orgasm just by penetration. I fantasize about having sex with women, but I’m not emotionally attracted to them. I admire beautiful women, but I am not physically attracted to them. Does that mean I’m a lesbian?

Also, my husband likes to wake me up for sex but I just want to sleep and I feel bad about it. I was confused and a little depressed. Can you help?

Mary replied: I apologize if you feel discouraged by this because it doesn’t have to be. A lot of women fantasize about having sex with other women when in reality they are only attracted to men.

There are so many different categories of sex these days, so I’m not surprised you’re confused. In fact, a friend told me that she attended Mass somewhere in the United States and a very smart priest gave a lecture on the importance of accepting people of the opposite sex. different from you.

You may disagree, but you should still be willing to accept them as his messages. He then read the LGBTQ+ list and explained each one as he said he was confused by so many different definitions and he wanted to share the information with the congregation.

You have never had an orgasm just by penetration, this may be due to the position you use during intercourse. Due to the position of the clitoris, it is quite difficult to achieve orgasm when the man is on top – despite what is portrayed in movies and on TV as women reaching climax without any difficulty and easily! But you’re having an orgasm so you get the satisfaction and relaxation it brings, and that’s great.

I don’t want to be too technical, because sex should never be technical, but you’re probably not using the most suitable position for orgasm – such as side-by-side or woman above.

So, experiment with positions and incorporate into your love anything that makes you orgasm. You might even have some fun trying.

Some people like sex in the morning, others in the evening, some are ready and others need encouragement. Your husband should choose his time more carefully, so suggest to him that he would be much more welcome if he didn’t wake you up for sex.

You shouldn’t feel bad about it – I often liken sex to food and most people don’t want to eat right after waking up, no matter what time it is.

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I mentioned before a book about women’s sexual fantasies, woman on top by Nancy Friday. If you pay attention, you will find that there are many fantasies about women with women, but almost all of them are opened by the writer explaining that they are heterosexual and only think about women sexually to stimulated.

You say you admire beautiful women and I think most women find good looking women attractive, but that doesn’t mean they want to have sex with them. So try to relax and enjoy your life instead of letting worries bring you down.

This article was edited on January 30, 2023