Mary O’Conor looks at another reader’s issue.
I am a married woman with three children and my husband and I are in our early 40s. We have not had sex or anything intimate for the past six months and we have only ever kissed in the early days of our married life.
I feel so lonely, especially since he’s moved into the extra room in the house and says he prefers it.
I’m honestly tired of being the one trying to make moves. I was a virgin when we got married 13 years ago, so I’ve never dated a man other than my husband.
At the moment I’m in the mood for sex and am considering getting it elsewhere as it feels like my stomach is about to burst. I’m getting stuck in life and career and life just seems to have stopped.
It’s really a problem and I don’t know who to talk to about it. I used to distract myself with work, but that’s not enough anymore.
When I try to discuss all of this with my husband, his behavior and conversations are all about him.
video of the day
Maria answers: You certainly have a valid complaint as your husband seems to have made the decision to move to another bedroom and cut you off from any intimacy without giving you any choice on the matter.
People no longer share a bedroom for a variety of reasons, but mostly because one of them snores, or they have completely different work schedules, or one of them is sick and it’s just a temporary arrangement until they get better.
But leaving the bedroom while showing no interest in a sex life just isn’t right. No doubt you’ve considered that he might be having an affair, even if you didn’t mention it in your email.
If you have any suspicions at all, you need to talk to him and explain your fears. If you’re pretty sure it’s not him, you still need to talk to him. It’s not good enough that he only wants to talk about himself because there are two of you in the marriage.
You need to tell him that you have feelings and that your feelings are extremely hurt right now and you feel rejected. You are very young with a very healthy sexual appetite and this is ignored by your husband.
I have no sense of friendship between the two of you and it may be that the relationship itself was emotionally damaged by his sexual withdrawal.
Do you occasionally go out together? from time to time sharing a meal without the children; go to the cinema or theater or share a hobby? If the answer to even some of these questions is negative, then some damage has actually been done to the relationship.
You certainly need to speak to someone professionally, and I suggest couples counseling. If your husband is not willing to accompany you, you need to go to a psychotherapist on your own, who will help you get through this unhappy period in your life.
If you live in Ireland – many of my readers live abroad – then iacp.ie will provide you with the name of an accredited consultant in your area. And while I understand that you are frustrated enough that you are considering having sex elsewhere, I feel that counseling would be a far better option for you.
But please don’t continue fighting all this alone – help is available and you must use it.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by going to dearmary.ie or by emailing her at email@example.com or by writing to c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated confidentially. Mary O’Conor regrets that she cannot answer questions privately.
https://www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/dear-mary-my-husband-keeps-denying-me-sex-im-so-frustrated-that-im-thinking-of-getting-it-elsewhere-41863649.html Dear Mary, my husband keeps denying me sex. I’m so frustrated that I’m considering buying it elsewhere