Dear Mary… I am in my late 20s and during the lockdown, my roommate and I became close. She is a few years older than me. It all started one night after drinking too much, when we kissed. After that, there are more kisses, and we will share a bed, but sex only occasionally. I understand that people have different levels of sex drive, but I’ve never been satisfied with the amount of sex we’ve had. Between her lack of intimacy and her increasing drinking, I started to resent it all. She is very nice to me, she loves to cook and clean, and I know I am spoiled in that regard. I like her but I want an intimate relationship, not a mother.
he admitted to me, after drinking, that she wanted to have sex with me and would climb into my bed and try to kiss me. Sometimes I will kiss her back and try to start something, but the end result is always the same. She said “I should go” and she left my room. Sometimes it does, sometimes she comes back two or three more times and repeats the process, but still no sex. I told her I needed more, and she would tell me she was “not good enough for me” but would often try to kiss me again afterwards. I really stopped caring/started at this point.
Also, her drinking is a problem. We went away for a weekend earlier this year hoping it might spark something. The first night was fine but the second night, when we went to a bar after dinner, she was gone for a few hours. I found her at closing time being held by several staff members, almost unable to stand. A few weeks later, I invited her to the wedding of two of my best friends. I asked her to keep drinking, but she fell off her chair before we could even eat dessert. I spent the rest of the evening trying to take care of her and had a miserable time.
I tried to let her know that I thought she needed help, but she refused to talk about it. She was hinting about going away to France, but after what happened the previous two times, I don’t want to do so. I want to be able to go away and enjoy life with someone and have a healthy, intimate relationship, and not just watch them get drunk every night. I just don’t know how to get out because it feels like every conversation is just a vicious cycle.
Mary replied: I started writing about your relationship with this woman but I realized that it is not a relationship in the true sense of the word. You are roommates with benefits, one of the benefits for you is that you get to cook and clean, and have sex very often. The benefit to her is that you’ll take care of her when she drinks too much, which seems to be quite often.
While she denies about her drinking, nothing will change. She doesn’t even want to discuss it with you and you really can’t force her.
From what you say, you have no interest in pursuing things with her. I can’t say I blame you, as it all sounds so bleak. This is a time in your life when you don’t have a lot of responsibilities, when you should enjoy yourself, travel when you can, and have a variety of relationships, hopefully leading to something lasting. as long as you want.
So you have options, all of which involve clearing some air with her. Obviously, the easiest thing for you is to find a new place to live, but in today’s climate it’s not as easy as one might think, so you may have to stay where you are. When she’s not drinking, go out for coffee together and explain that you’ve put a lot of thought into this and don’t want a relationship and that from now on, it’s better for both of you. back together. Totally roommates.
Then you’ll have to ask her not to come to your bed anymore, and if she does – and she can do so when she’s been drinking and her judgment is clouded – Don’t let her kiss you and gently but firmly push her away. back to his own room. This woman is clearly in trouble and hopefully she will seek help in the near future. But in the meantime, she’s not your responsibility and you should go on living your own life to the fullest.
Video of the day
https://www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/dear-mary-my-flatmate-wants-a-relationship-but-im-not-happy-with-our-sex-life-or-her-drinking-how-do-i-get-out-of-it-42163927.html Dear Mary: My roommate wants a relationship, but I’m not happy with our sex life or her drinking. How do I get rid of it?