EVERYONE KEEP CALM. Here’s how to play safely on Friday the 13th

DANGER

Right. OK. Sit down? Good. Dont move. It is Friday the 13th May, and you know what that means, right? No, it’s not Jason Vorhees’ birthday — it’s the unluckiest day of the year, for… reasons. And this particularly bad if you believe in superstitions and astrology because Mercury is also retrograde which means he is doing something that makes things bad. Just join!

Since two such disasters are happening at the same time, I want to make sure you, our dear readers, are safe so you can move on Read our articles stay alive. So whatever you do, don’t leave the house. Don’t get in the car. Do not go somewhere. Just stay indoors and play video games and make sure you play them that way safe as possible.

To help you, I’ve made a short list of how to play some popular games on the Switch as safely as possible…

This is the safest way to play games

Ringfit adventure

ringed
STOP DOING THAT

Seriously? You do cardio on a day like today? You are crazy. But if I can’t stop you, at least I can help you. Think of all the ways Ring Fit could kill you: you could accidentally strangle yourself with the ring while trying to squat; You could fall backwards while doing yoga and impale yourself on the armrest of the sofa; You could be so overwhelmed by Dragaux’s musculature that all the blood rushes to your cheeks and then you die because the blood isn’t in all your important parts. I’m not a doctor.

How do you avoid all these terrible fates? Simple: stay on the sofa and pretend to work out, but don’t. It probably still counts – and we’ve all played Wii Sports and Wii Fit that way, haven’t we? Ring can’t tell if you’re jogging or just wiggling the Joy-Con, but make sure to wiggle softso you don’t hit your face and lose all your teeth.

earthbound

Ability Bound
Why go to Twoson when you can stay in Onett forever

Haha! Cross promotion! If you’re playing Earthbound because I told you to, then I like you, but also take precautions. Just like the ’90s, Earthbound is about a group of unsupervised kids who travel to cities and get beat up by cops infected with some kind of brain virus.

In retro JRPG style, the monsters and brain-poisoned adults will make a beeline for you as soon as they see you, making them a bit difficult to avoid and they can all run much faster than you. It’s a risk-reward situation though, because beating them will earn you money that can be used to buy healing items and better gear. So what can you do?

Remember this is a JRPG and do what all JRPGs want you to do: grind. Go back to one of the earlier areas and kill a bunch of dogs and spacemen (again, just like the 90’s!) until you have fat stacks of cash, call your dad to have the money sent to you and do Just do this all Friday the 13th. The rest of the game will be a breeze in comparison.

Minecraft

Minecraft
You are NOT invited to my cube

What do the deadliest things in Minecraft – lava, mobs, fall damage – all have in common? Is correct! You are outside your home. The best way to avoid them all is to make your house as small and impenetrable as possible. Build yourself a nice cube of earth with just enough space for you and any other friends you want to protect, and just stay there for as long as you want to play Minecraft on Friday the 13th!

Bonus points if you build your wretched protection cube out of something blast-proof like obsidian, but be aware that collecting obsidian is scary and dangerous, so this method only works if you already have some. Isn’t security fun?

Pokemon (any of them)

jenny
Officer Jenny is good backup if you can’t find your mother

Do you know who is a threat in the Pokémon games? The Elite Four. team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.]. Literally everyone who stands on a path. Long grass. Wild animals. Your best friend/rival. Even the Pokémon professors who seem content to have a pre-teen do all their research.

Do you know who isn’t a threat? Your mother. She’s probably never seen tall grass in her life. She just waits at home and occasionally calls you (much like a real mom). Spend the day with her! Show her all your Pokemon! Tell her about the world she never got to explore! Actually no, don’t take her outside, she might die! Stay in the house!!!

Stardew Valley

stardew
Goats are scary! stay back

The safest way to play Stardew Valley is to treat yourself like a toddler: don’t talk to strangers, don’t go into caves, and go to bed early. Your parsnips and cows can survive a day without you – and besides, livestock can be dangerous. A well-placed kick to the head and you’re done, and Harvey isn’t a doctor good enough to help you.

Super Mario Maker 2

SMM2
Mario and Luigi are cowboy builders and I don’t trust them

Don’t tempt fate with all the bells and whistles in Mario’s toolbox – just take a nice, pleasant walk down a perfectly straight path. No enemies, no holes, no unpleasant surprises – just Mario and his thoughts. Doesn’t that sound lovely?

Untitled goose game

goose
Just leave her alone

This one is a bit different because you’re who brings bad luck and misfortune to everyone, so how about this: just take the day off. Quit being a messy annoyance and just be a goose instead. Stay in the pond. Horn if you have to. But just leave everyone alone or you could end up as lunch.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

zelda
You shouldn’t talk to strangers, but he seems nice

It’s dangerous to go alone, so why bother? Even if you’re playing in Master mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT’S FRIDAY 13) there’s a nice safe place for you: the very, very beginning of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (er, sorry, spoilers) and eat baked apples forever. Maybe he’ll get bored of waiting and just tell you everything you need to know without having to do all the (scary, dangerous) shrines…

Dark Souls

souls
AAAAAAAAAAAH

Not.


Stay safe out there gamers – and tell us in the comments your tips for not dying! But please be careful not to cut yourself on the keyboard.

https://www.nintendolife.com/features/back-page-everyone-stay-calm-heres-how-to-game-safely-on-friday-13th EVERYONE KEEP CALM. Here’s how to play safely on Friday the 13th

Fry Electronics Team

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