How social media has permanently changed the way we grieve

I bet I know what you’re thinking. “I wish I knew exactly how grieving both women are for their teenage boyfriends,” right? Well, if that’s the case, you’re in luck, because both Duff and Lohan, in the words of headlines everywhere, “have given their response,” “have paid their respects,” and told since “speaking out” about Carter’s death. “For Aaron,” Duff wrote in an Instagram post on Sunday, “

I’m sorry that life was so hard for you and you had to fight in front of the world. You have a strong attraction… boy, did my teenager fall deeply in love with you.” She signed off the post by “sending love to [Carter’s] family at this time. Comfortable rest.

The next day, Lohan said something similar in a pair of interviews. Talk to Access Hollywood, Lohan recalled how she shared many memories with Carter when she was “very young,” and explained that it had been “a long time” since they talked. “My heart goes out to his family and may he rest in peace,” Lohan said in another chat with Tonight’s reception. “God bless him,” she continued, claiming that “there was a lot of love there.”

Reacting to these sweet gestures toward family and memories of the man both women were attached to before either turned 16? Support and completely normal? Yes, not quite. About 24 hours separate the two women’s claims, but for celebrity-obsessed social media users, it’s basically a lifetime. While commenters were quick to praise Duff’s post – one even wrote, “I’m looking forward to your comment and you didn’t let you down” – Lohan was also quickly criticized for continuing continue to post non-Aaron Carter content as usual. Under a post about enjoying her stay at a New York hotel, comments began to pile up. “No comment on Aaron?” “Aaron Carter is your friend?” Many people have directly referenced Duff’s post, possibly in the hope of rekindling the 20-year feud between the pair. “Hilary is so much more classy, ​​at least she posted something,” wrote one, while another suggested, “Hilary left a comment for Aaron but Lindsay didn’t. [sic], looks like “Lindsay has moved on and doesn’t care”. Regardless Lohan is in the middle of a press tour for one of her first feature films in a decade. Or, really, she’s just hours away from talking about her “love” for Carter. If her feelings weren’t quickly displayed through the medium of a grid post, sorry, they might not exist. The message was clear: in grief, Hilary did the right thing and Lindsay did it wrong.

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So here’s the big question: have the last few decades of celebrity gossip almost permanently poisoned our brains? Are we so used to rummaging through the intimate lives of our stars that we feel we have a right to grieve them too? And as openly and preferably as soon as possible after the tragedy?

Dipti Solanki is a grief coach and educator. She believes that celebrities’ expectation of “reactions” to tragic news stories stems from a broader cultural distaste for death. “Overall, it’s fair to say that a large portion of society is illiterate when it comes to grieving,” says Solanki. “It feels alien, isolating and still has a lot of taboos.” In particular, in contemporary Western culture, Solanki suggests that people have been “facilitated and taught how to celebrate the good events in life”. However, when it comes to loss, “many people feel quite uncomfortable.” As celebrity culture and social media provide more information and influence over our choices, opinions, and actions, Solanki suggests: “It’s no surprise when many people look to celebrities for their reactions. “[And then] use those as a yardstick to gauge and navigate their own emotions. It’s almost as if they act like a barometer.”

Grief recovery specialist Iman Gatti seems to agree. “No matter how common pain is, most people find it extremely uncomfortable,” she says. In her work, Gatti says she “constantly encounters grieving people who worry that they’re doing the wrong thing or overreacting.” This is why she also says that she is “never surprised how people care about celebrities’ reactions when someone walks by”. Because, as she puts it, “we wanted more proof that they would reflect our own feelings,” and thus validate them. But what about when investing in celebrities’ emotions turns to controlling how and when they react, as was the case with Lohan?

There’s no denying that the advent of social media has changed our relationship with celebrities and their private lives. The press – which relied heavily on paparazzi interviews and photographs to get the scoop on the culmination of the Carter/Duff/Lohan triangle – now often catches up with social media channels. association of famous people. Stars can break down their own stories and share aspects of their lives in an instant that would have been unthinkable a decade ago. It increasingly seems, however, that this immediacy is creating a vicious circle between assumptions and entitlements. According to Solanki, the expectation that public figures share their daily lives becomes “a requirement for public figures to openly and immediately share how they feel.”

Then, on the one hand, people can look to celebrities to validate their own feelings of confusion and assuage concerns that they may be “doing the wrong thing.” On the other hand, overinvesting in the celebrities themselves can in fact reinforce damaging beliefs about how grieving “should” make someone behave.

Emily Cummin is the Founder and CEO of Untangle, a grieving community platform that provides practical and emotional support to those going through the grief of bereavement. She clearly explains: “Grief is extremely personal and everyone grieve differently.” Just like Gatti, she says she’s heard “countless stories” from members of the Untangle community “of being told ‘they don’t seem sad’, or ‘they seem happy now. , so they’ve got to get through the pain’.” This is the kind of simple but common misunderstanding about grief that became apparent this week.Because Lohan didn’t immediately comment, many skeptics said that she “went on and didn’t care.” Cummin asserts that “ask celebrities to behave a certain way after the loss of a loved one is unhealthy,” because “it adds to the sense of wonder.” I hope there is a right or wrong way to grieve.”

Ultimately, the current cultural obsession with grieving practices turns back to our discomfort with its complex reality. Ali Ross, a spokesman for the UK Council on Psychotherapy, points out that grief remains taboo, because “we live in an age where we have largely escaped death and died”. In his view, the pandemic has made this worse because although death and grief have touched so many people, “we have lost the right and ability to directly mourn the public.” open during the blockade”. Perhaps, therefore, overinvestment in the public statements of celebrities may not say much about our attitudes towards the rich and famous, but more directly. much to the deeper desire to discuss and acknowledge death, grief and mourning more openly.

“About Aaron Carter,” Ross said, “he is a public figure that some people follow, who takes them back to nostalgia, reminds them of times gone by, growing old, what Their deaths, but especially his case, embody the tragedy underlying in the public eye. As he puts it, “this is a lot to handle.”

It would be another tragedy, however, if, in an attempt to process mixed feelings about Carter’s death, pressure and harm were put on other figures in the public eye. Namely people like Lohan, who, as Duff wrote of Carter, also had to “struggle before the world”. Surely anyone who has watched the highly publicized ups and downs of the two will know this. Now, after Carter’s untimely death, it’s nice to think we might learn something.