For many years I have been moving in the border area of advance notice. I knew it was coming; it wasn’t a question of “if” but of “when”. It’s hard to accept, but I know that as I age out of relevance, I will start to lose touch with the important shifts in social mores. Of course, it’s entirely up to me to continue listening to generations to come and stay willing to empathize. Still, it’s all too easy to get it wrong – and I did it wrong.
The cancellation – or rather micro-cancellation – took place last Thursday evening. I came home late from a gig and was looking for the perfect post-gig pre-bed snack. The PGPB snack is a tricky meal; You need something salty enough to replenish salt reserves lost from sweaty dancing, but not so filling that you can’t sleep.
Luckily, I know about food, having been making it every day for the past 37 years. With the foresight of a pro, I had grabbed some cheese and onion chips (I prefer O’Donnell’s for the best concentration of flavor and crispiness) from the garage on my way home and set to work making a deliciously crunchy sandwich.
Then I had an idea. The kind of idea that always precedes a terrible fall. I wanted to say something to the internet. I felt like I had something to offer, a public service announcement for the ages. People love when they’re told they’ve been doing something wrong their entire life (don’t they?!) and I love being the one to tell the tale.
With all the confidence of the doomed Icarus, I was suddenly certain that no one in human history had ever made a crunchy sandwich the right way. I pulled out my phone and went to Instagram and effectively lit the match in my own shitstorm.
So you’re probably wondering what my incredible innovations in crunchy sandwiches are. Well, it’s easy, and as one scathing internet commentator later put it, “obviously like f**k”.
The method I would think the most common is to butter a slice of bread, cover it with chips, place another buttered slice on top and slice it in half, leaving four sides prone to crispy escape stay.
My patented method is called “Fold ‘n’ Fist,” and it involves buttering both slices of bread, covering half of each slice with chips, and then using your palm to lightly spread them to prevent the bread from becoming unfolded during the meal fold over the other side of the bread to form a half-sandwich with three open sides and one closed side.
The mode of consumption is also important, remembering the “fisted” part of the title. When held properly (cupping the sandwich so the hand acts as a dam against two of the three exposed sides), the structural integrity is so solid that incidents of crisp-escape are extremely rare. All this is to say that I was rushing and slightly intolerable on the internet which is not known for its good results.
The first clue that something was related to a cancellation was when I was woken up by dozens of DMs on my Instagram in the morning. Before I opened one, I actually felt a smugness blossoming. “They thank me for breaking their plebeian habits and teaching them the methods of ‘folding your fists,'” I thought foolishly.
I opened the first and was immediately confused. “I can’t BELIEVE you.” It said. My blood went cold. I’ve received enough shitty messages online to know the tone. This one had to be an outlier. Making a crunchy sandwich on Instagram has hardly been the most controversial thing ever.
Well, I was badly mistaken on this matter. As I clicked more and more DMs, I realized I had made a terrible mistake telling a whole bunch of Irish people that I knew better how to make a crusty sandwich than they did.
Many of the messages pointed out that my way was not “my way” at all, but simply THE way. Uff. Others noted that I’d committed the cardinal crisp sandwich sin and done the whole-wheat pan-sliced thing. I kicked myself OF COURSE I knew that was unacceptable. I wanted to put a caveat on the video to let people know I knew it wasn’t right, but it has to be. I considered issuing a formal apology in the grand tradition of internet apologies, but in the end I decided to persevere. The chips controversy would be over — chips are very light, after all — and by then I had nice crunchy “Fold ‘n’ Fist” sandwiches to drown out the haters.
https://www.independent.ie/life/how-to-make-a-crisp-sandwich-the-right-way-by-which-i-mean-without-getting-cancelled-42039664.html How to properly cook a crunchy sandwich (so no denial!)