DEADLINE: I had an affair with a married coworker – but ever since he ended it, he’s left me in the cold. I feel used.
I am a single 30 year old woman and he is 34 years old. Now he’s treating me like I don’t exist, which makes going to work really miserable.
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We met on Christmas 2019, right before everything closed. After locking the door, we both had to enter the office, and there was hardly anyone else around.
This gave us a lot of opportunities to be together, and made it feel illegitimate and enjoyable. We made love in the restroom, in the staff kitchen, and even on my absent boss’s desk.
We talked a lot and became very close. But once things opened up, he started to retreat.
In the end, he broke up with me. He said he was worried someone would find out about us, he might lose his job and his marriage.
I accept this even though I am deeply hurt. I’m certainly not proud of myself for having an affair with a married man.
Then a month ago we went to the same job leaving and we both drank too much.
We finally got an Uber back to me. He told me how much he missed me and that I thought he was mending our relationship.
But since then, he has been evading my workplace every day. He avoids me if he sees me coming. He won’t even discuss work matters.
Ironically, this is actually making us more visible. People commented on how rude he was to me and raised tensions.
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I was upset, not because I still had feelings for him, but because he was so horrible and made me feel awkward. All I want is for him to behave like an adult and a civilian.
Should I say something to him or just try to get over it? Or should I find a new job?
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s cruel and immature, partly because he’s mad at himself and partly because he’s worried he might have an affair with you again.
Please don’t say anything to him. It will only stir up your feelings again if he’s nice – or hurt you more if he’s not.
If he can’t be polite and treat you with respect, he’s not worth your time. Try to get him out of your mind.
No account got a new job just because of him. If you see him, be polite, hold your head high, and let his rudeness overwhelm you.
Keeping your friends and family busy will help lessen the impact of his behavior and make his treatment of you more pervasive.
My Support Pack on Transitions will be helpful.
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