“I was middle-aged, 50 pounds, and had a strong personality that I should tone down because men wouldn’t want me.”

When I left this relationship, I realized that something had to change.

I said, ‘Okay, Jeanne, look at all the men you’ve been with in your life. The only thing they have in common is you. So why do you keep attracting — and not just attracting, but holding onto — relationships where the person really can’t be your partner?

This question triggered a journey of self-discovery. For over two years I learned from dating and relationship masters, took up belly dancing to get comfortable in my big fluffy body, and traveled the world solo. I just reconnected with who I am and gave myself permission to let myself out of the cage altogether.

As soon as I was ready to start dating I put this profile online and what was funny was I almost accidentally became a cougar! I attracted really young men in their 20s almost exclusively. I guess it was flattering in a way, but if you want a partner, it’s not really satisfying.

I was curious as to why this was happening, so I asked some of them what brought them to me. And invariably they said something along the lines of, “You look very confident and funny, and you probably don’t want my baby and you probably don’t want to get married.” Then they would tell me that women their age are really focused on it, but they haven’t sowed their wild oats yet.

That was a big aha moment for me because I realized that despite all the work I had done on myself, I still wrote my dating profile with that attitude.

I still played it safe and portrayed myself as light-footed out there without actually raising my freak flag.

I then decided that I would rewrite my profile and let my full authentic self out of the cage. I made friends with the idea of ​​putting some people off and I released what I really wanted and needed.

I mentioned one of my deal breakers, which is intolerance. I uploaded a profile picture of myself posing with some drag queens and wrote that my dream man will understand that I love going to drag shows and that he likes to flirt with drag queens and be comfortable in his own skin. I have openly said that I wanted to get married. Women are told never to say that because it sounds too needy.

It was insanely authentic and I remember freezing in that moment because I literally felt a shift. It was as if this was the final piece of the puzzle that needed to be in place for me to attract a higher vibrational relationship.

When I checked my inbox the next day, there were four men, all my age, all with similar goals and values, all wanting to get married. And one of them was Todd. They all commented on how amazed they were by the profile because they had never seen one so honest. They told me that they also wanted to get married and they couldn’t see what was wrong with saying that.

In my training with relationship masters, I had learned that focusing on physical chemistry, which is what most people do, whether they know it or not, will not help you meet your soulmate. Instead, you focus on the person you feel comfortable with, as if you can be yourself and be accepted.

When Todd showed up I wasn’t excited. Five years ago I would have thought chemistry didn’t exist, but because I let it be what it was going to be like, it was immediately clear that this was an old friend I was coming home to. We just talked for hours and it felt very peaceful. I knew from my training that connection made chemistry, and that’s exactly what happened.

Today Todd and I live and work in Schull, West Cork. He is a retired Silicon Valley biotech scientist who now works as a visual artist. I’m a former publicist-turned-career-coach-turned-career-coach from San Francisco who now works as a soulmates coach. There was something about us coming here that really awakened us to new careers. We both have Irish roots and were really inspired by the creative energy and soulfulness of the place. It has helped us align more with our purpose.

As a soulmate coach, I now work with men and women, straight, gay and everything in between who are looking to find their soulmate. People are generally demoralized when they come to me because they don’t realize they’re approaching the dating process in a way that was taught to them but doesn’t serve them.

They’re confident in their careers and friendships, but embarrassed about their dating lives. They get this message—both men and women—that they are intimidating. And they end up trying to diminish their power to make others comfortable or support them.

Both men and women deal with these midlife dating myths. Women fight against the mindset of men who only want a young, pliable thing. Men walk around with the painful belief that women want a bad boy, not a nice guy.

I have to explain to both of you that the key to attracting a partner is to do what I call ” stepping into your sovereignty,” and that is becoming more confident in loving yourself enough. Many Irish people think that confidence means arrogance, but it’s really about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about loving yourself enough to make you feel good instead of apologizing for who you are.

The biggest problem I see with clients is that they don’t realize how much they let physical chemistry drive their love train. That’s how we’re conditioned. We see that big, exciting spark in movies, and when we don’t feel it in a person, they’re immediately friend-zoned.

But in reality, statistics show that the majority of happily coupled people started out as friends. So if you can just allow yourself to let the conversation flow and be curious about what’s going on between you, that connection becomes an aphrodisiac.

I also help them write their dating profile because the sad truth is that the vast majority of profiles are boring. They all use the same adjectives and therefore all sound the same. So I teach them not to use adjectives and “show, don’t tell.” Paint a picture of what life would be like with you, I tell them, so they can decide if they see themselves in that picture with you.

Is my approach about quantity over quality? Yes, and I support clients to respect this and not give in to loneliness or impatience. Most of my clients are achievers and they are so focused on making the relationship happen that they don’t know how to receive it and allow it to come to them.

A lot of people want a quick fix, but there really is no shortcut if you want to be there for the long haul. You must guide yourself through the process of resolving resistance, clarifying the vision, and then taking inspired action.”

mysoulmatecoach.com

As Katie Byrne was told