WHEN children misbehave, a common question parents ask is “why did you do it?”
However, according to psychotherapist Jen O’Rourke, it’s the worst thing you can ask.
“Quick Tip”, she started in a recent TikTok videotapes. “This is a question you shouldn’t ask your child when he or she misbehaves.
“That was one of the first questions they asked us not to ask a child in therapy when working with a child.
“The question is ‘why?'”
She continued explain reason not to ask why, adding that children often don’t know why they do something.
“So when we said, ‘Why did you hit your sister?’ your child can’t say, ‘Well, I feel a little belittled and a little tired today and I can’t control my impulses.’
“They might say, ‘I don’t know.’ And then the more you try to explain why.
“Or sometimes younger children will just generate a response because they feel like they need to give you feedback.
“Or for some kids, it just puts them on the defensive and makes them aware when they’re still unadjusted and they’re emotional.”
Instead of asking why, Jen suggests speaking out or asking different questions.
In response to a mother asking what she should say if one of her children hits the other, Jen said in another post. videotapes: “My job is to do one, make sure my kids are disciplined, if they get angry and yell, I won’t be able to have a good conversation so I can wait a bit.
“And my default is what’s called a sports broadcast or say what I’ve seen to invite conversation.
“So say things like, ‘I see you guys are playing with Legos in there. Everything looks great, you guys seem to be having a good time, and suddenly your sister has a red mark on her face and something is wrong. ”
“Sometimes it’s enough to invite conversation,” she added.
“Or even just say, ‘Hey, what happened there?'” she continued.
“The more engagement you get, the more you can teach a lesson and connect.
“Maybe something happened that you don’t see and they need a skill to figure out how to deal with it.”
Jen was quickly praised by other parents who commented on the video for her suggestions, with one of them writing: “Your videos are so much more helpful to me than your light parenting stuff. that I found. Please continue to watch them!”
“Sounds good!!” another mother added. “There needs to be accusations and defenses from the start.”
“Yup!! Sports and ‘Hey what happened’ happen a bit here,” another commented.
In other parenting news, This is when your child should start drinking tea or coffee and at a very young age.
https://www.thesun.ie/fabulous/8215561/psychotherapist-advises-never-ask-children-why/ I’m a Psychotherapist and Here’s Why Never Ask Your Child ‘Why’