BECAUSE there is NO secret formula for a relationship that works, but there are some tried and true tips that can help.
After many famous couples break up, psychologist Emma Kenny reveals 10 things you do that can prevent you from finding lasting love.
YOU WAIT TOO LONG FOR BIG CONVERSIONS
LONG-TERM relationships require compromise, which means setting out what you will and will not accept early on.
Emma explains: “People need to understand what kind of relationship they are looking for and are not negotiable.
“Research shows that there are nine months left before a relationship reaches the negotiating stage, but figuring out where you stand on big issues like marriage, kids or where you want to live can stop the relationship going. heartache added down the line.
“Many people sacrifice their core needs and initial wants because they hope their partner will want them as well in the long run, but what if they don’t? You don’t know unless you ask”.
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YOU ARE AVOID FOLLOWING YOUR Emotions
The early months of a relationship are often a combination of lust, fun, and spontaneity, but choosing a mate in terms of sexual chemistry alone is bound to fail.
“A relationship needs to go through three stages – lust, attraction and attachment,” says Emma. Research shows that lust lasts only for up to 5 months, as it is fueled by a craving for sexual gratification through the release of the hormones testosterone and estrogen.
“These affect the pleasure centers of the brain, which means you get a lot of positive reinforcement when you engage in sexual activity.
“After five months, the lust phase ends and if you don’t have much in common with your partner, or suddenly realize that without sex you find them boring or unpleasant, then no. I’m sure you’ll stay with them. ”
YOU COMPARE THEM WITH YOUR FAILURE
IF you were raised by parents who did not provide love, respect or trust, you are probably looking for a partner to fill those gaps.
“In the first few months of meeting someone, you can start to look closely at their behavior and personality traits to see if they are meeting or exceeding the threshold you have set for them,” says Emma. .
“If you compare them to a parent who failed you and use your negative experiences to remove many of their positive traits, the relationship will fail.
“While this may seem like a reasonable way to protect yourself, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to fix things or fill in gaps. You will only ruin your relationship.”
YOU DO NOT ACCEPT COMPLAINTS
People with low self-esteem are more likely to misinterpret their partner’s behavior, view them as ungrateful or mean, because they can’t accept that their partner loves them, psychologists say. physics in the Netherlands revealed.
Emma explains: “When you feel very insecure and you find yourself with someone who sees you in your best light, the overlap between how you see yourself, versus how they see you. , you may feel overwhelmed.
“Instead of accepting that you need to work through your emotional issues, you may think that they must be delusional and unable to see how confused you are.
“As a result, you lose respect for them and their positive opinions of you.”
YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR PROFESSIONAL
“We all have history, but in new relationships it is best to leave this in the past,” explains Emma.
“One red flag that you let past relationships affect you is when you compare your new partner to your ex and expose the flaws of your previous partner to them.
“This is disrespectful because your new partner has nothing to do with the past. No one wants to spend time with a new partner dissecting their previous loves. It was a welcome shortcut.”
Emma adds: “Repeating this pattern means you need to take your time to work through your feelings, so you don’t contaminate a new relationship.”
You choose your lover when you go out
YOU think you know your type, but if relationships keep failing, it’s time to think again.
“The reason women turn to the archetypal bad boy type is because of our genes,” says Emma. Research shows that we find the most attractive types of ‘enhanced’ men midway through our menstrual cycle.
“We are instinctively programmed to choose a mate like this because we believe they will produce children. But if you want someone loyal to be around when the baby is born, they’re unlikely to be the best choice.
“Avoid making romantic decisions long into the middle of your cycle, when you’re ovulating. Wait until you are in cycle. And asking yourself who you want to spend your life with is paramount. Create a pen portrait of this person’s personality traits and lifestyle and you will have better options.”
YOU ARE FITTING OR SETTING UP
Being alone can be difficult, but don’t settle for the wrong person.
“No one likes to be alone and people in general like to have long-term, monogamous relationships,” says Emma.
“However, the fear of being alone means that you could end your life on a lower salary than you deserve or make yourself right for the wrong partner, which will not put you off. happy.
“Although these relationships can be short-lived, it’s better to hold on until the right person comes along.”
YOU TWEAK FOLLOWING THEIR DRESS
Turning a partner into the person you want them to be can never work.
Emma explains: “Early in a relationship, we tend to completely accept our desired object as they are.
“As time goes on, however, the positive, unconditional interest you give your partner begins to wane. It means you push them, or even ask them to change their appearance or behavior.
“They are in a win-lose situation because you see their agreement as a sign of weakness.
“Accepting a partner who is who they are is the only solution to guaranteeing you a successful long-term relationship.”
YOU KEEP THEIR APPLICATION WORKING
Dating over the INTERNET means there are always plenty of opportunities – but if you’re dating AND still scrolling, your relationships won’t exceed a few months.
“You can feel like a sassy kid in a sweet shop with dating apps,” says Emma. However, if you date and partially commit to a new relationship and never fully close the door to other possibilities, your hopes of building a meaningful relationship are slim.
“If you spend time with your new partner but can’t help but compare their looks, height, career, and prospects with other people you see online, you’re creating a myth of a the man you desire.
“The emotional connection you make with your matches means you disconnect from the relationship you should be trying to build.”
BUGBEARS OFF YOU
Taking your partner too seriously can make the relationship dangerous.
Emma says: ‘No one likes everything about a partner but it’s about learning to let the little annoyances slip away.
“Looking for reasons why a partner isn’t perfect — especially when one can’t be expected to meet all of your needs — is a recipe for relationship disaster.
“The antidote to this is to ignore the small mistakes and focus instead on the positives.”
https://www.thesun.ie/fabulous/8227528/relationship-psychologist-women-dating-mistakes/ I’m a relationship psychologist – women NEVER tell men how to dress and 9 other mistakes to avoid