I’m almost 30 single and childless – and I’m not lonely

I don’t have children or a partner – but I don’t feel alone or lonely. Not having children means I don’t see various childhood friends as often as I can’t help them kill two birds with one stone by bringing my own child to play with. When I’m sad, friends reassure me that “I’ll find someone soon.” Usually the root of my sadness is as low as a broken nail and not the perceived empty emptiness of being alone. Regardless, I’ve built a strong support network with other “childless” friends.

The life milestones that we, as a society, place the most importance on seem to concern other people — marriages, parenthood, etc. — rather than individual accomplishments. Even things that bring me great joy, like vacations, are heavily marketed to couples – it’s all about bae-cations and solo travelers are too often ignored or outright financially penalized.

Single people spend £2,049 more a year than people in relationships and the main reason for this is travel. When booking a solo holiday you will generally have to pay a solo person supplement as the holiday is often sold on the premise that two people are traveling. You can happily travel the world alone, but it will cost you!

As someone who travels regularly I was afraid that staying during Covid would affect my mental health. Let’s face it, being sad in the sun is different than being cold and sad in England. But the pandemic has actually become a blessing in disguise.

When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as a teenager because of my constantly conflicting moods, I struggled for a long time with social interactions and often felt alone when I was with other people.

During the repeated lockdowns, all of those interactions disappeared and I thrived on being alone. My mental health peaked because I enjoyed activities that I could do on my own. Before I turned 30, I became a mother to numerous green creatures potted around my house. I love my cheese plant, my cheeky mother-in-law’s tongue and my sensitive calathea. I have also renewed my love for reading novels.

I haven’t felt lonely at all because I’ve found something I’ve never experienced before in a fast-paced and unforgiving world where “the grind” is always paramount – a sense of inner calm while being alone .

However, I am aware that my lockdown experience may be exceptional. A close friend of mine got pregnant just before lockdown and spent her pregnancy feeling “stranded”. The lockdown has had a negative impact on her mental health, depriving her of the normal things that would have helped her enjoy her pregnancy and prepare for motherhood. She said goodbye to the prospect of a baby shower, a maternity shoot, classes for expectant mothers, and attending antenatal exams with her partner.

As a radio producer, I produce a weekly hour-long BBC Radio 1Xtra radio show called 1Xtra Talks. It’s the only job that forces me to physically come into the building while the show is being broadcast live so I can cross human interactions off my imaginary list once a week.

In the last show we covered Mental Health Awareness Week. One of our panellists, clinical psychologist and founder of Abode Therapy, Dr. Samantha Rennalls addressed something that has really comforted me and made me think about how I personally view loneliness before and after lockdown.

She told the panel that “Research shows that people who experience loneliness are no worse at having social interactions or forming relationships than people who don’t experience loneliness.” I’ve always associated loneliness with failed interactions, and that’s why I’ve never wanted to admit I have these feelings. But after hearing that, I felt a real sense of relief. I found out that I had failed an exam I didn’t know about and therefore hadn’t prepared for.

One of the questions the panelists were asked on the show was why the word “loneliness” carries a stigma. I think that’s because we’re supposed to be strong, social, and successful, and we’re not really talking about how you can be all those things and still feel lonely.

Open social media and suddenly your phone is overflowing with pictures and videos of people “living their best life” with friends. Whether it’s on vacation or somewhere expensive Instagram-worthy, it’s easy to infer that these people aren’t lonely. After all, they are social butterflies online, which is considered the complete opposite of someone experiencing loneliness and isolation.

At some point along the way, loneliness became something we are conditioned to be ashamed of. My attitude before lockdown was that I would rather be lonely and miserable than tell someone how I felt and allow people to surround me with love. I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was lonely – let alone anyone else. But to be honest, the strongest connections I have right now are with people I can make each other vulnerable with.

I hope people read this and also get some relief from the words of Dr. Find Samantha Rennall. And if that fails, stick to the title of rapper Dave’s second studio album – We’re All Alone in This Together.

Sylvie Carlos is Producer for 1Xtra Talks on BBC Radio 1Xtra. She also writes about books, mental health and travel