I’ve been reading your columns for a while and I find it interesting that people have different difficulties with sex and dating. While I feel this is good to know, my total experience in relationships is paltry. I feel like I know a lot about dating but I just can’t make it happen. I read a lot of books, listened to podcasts, but no one wanted to date me. I tried talking to the girls in the pub, but they either walked away or said they would come back but then never came back. I have friends who hang out with the group and they always try to score points with the girls. I think I’m attractive, but it just doesn’t seem to work, and I just feel very frustrated. What else do I have to do? I give the girls compliments, and I have some good lines, but it doesn’t work as the sex guidelines say. I feel like giving up because I always feel so uncomfortable at the end of a night, but then I just can’t give up because I really want a relationship. What should I do that I haven’t done? I should have a lot of relationships now, but I don’t, even though I’m doing what I have to.
We don’t have to ‘denial’ or sneak up on people to like us – people like us for who we are. Relying on these techniques means we are being dishonest and it is leading to abusive, if not outright abusive behavior in some cases. These creators prey on people like you who are desperately searching for love and relationships, which leaves you vulnerable and less likely to question their stuff. They make money this way, so pause for a moment and think about what message you get from these people and what kind of person you want to be in the future.
People can see through reception lines, and they are often seen as cheesy and insincere. They don’t connect with the person in front of us and don’t give a real impression of who we really are. Think of old-fashioned lines like, “Is that the ladder in your tights or the stairs to heaven?” It’s not original, reflects nothing of you, and can be replayed a ton of times in one night. It makes the person feel like a number in the system, rather than someone you really want to get to know. Who wants to be just a random side on the bedpost instead of seeing their true selves? No one wants to be an exercise in marking or used as food to brag to friends.
The top tips we read won’t magically turn our problems into orgasms and healthy relationships, so it’s important that we all do our best to become one. be the best person you can be.
We have no right to have sex. Nobody owes anyone sex, and people don’t die without sex. We may feel a longing for touch or a need for love, but we cannot force others to be intimate with us just because we crave it. Looks aren’t everything – you may be the most beautiful person in the world, but are you happy to travel with or spend time in lockdown? The appearance is lackluster, but the personality helps to build an emotional connection. Sexual attraction is one thing and a healthy part of most relationships, but what sustains relationships is how we interact with each other. Is there kindness there, good listening skills or the ability to compromise in arguments? These things are much more important than how people fit the beauty standards.
Authenticity is key – be yourself. Who are you really? What can you give someone in a relationship? Beyond tips and advice, what’s your level of emotional maturity? Have you ever gone to therapy to address underlying issues? None of these are specific to you; These are all steps we should all take as adults who want to interact with others. The top tips we read won’t magically turn our problems into orgasms and healthy relationships, so it’s important that we all do our best to become one. be the best person you can be. This reduces the risk of harm to others and to us, and increases the chance of actually involving others on an authentic level.
Nor is it required to have sex or date. We live in a sex-obsessed society where there are mixed messages about sex – let’s do it this way; that’s the wrong way; this is what you have to do; you will go to hell if you do this; you have to do these top 10 things. Between these messages, directives, commands or ‘top tips’, it can be difficult to find what works for us personally. The top tips are a great starting point, but what works for one person may be a complete failure for another.
Try to stop the paint by number approach. Ask women about
yourself, skip the chat lines and be yourself. Don’t rely on looks — think about what else you can bring. You are valuable; Do not rely on internet advice. As you have seen, it doesn’t work. Be yourself and you are sure to see more people interacting with you on a more authentic level.
Dr. West is a sex educator and host of the podcast Glow West, which focuses on sex. Send your question to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr. West regrets that she cannot answer questions privately
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