“I’ve had no confidence since he admitted his affair stemmed from amazing sexual chemistry” – Coleen Nolan

A reader seeks advice from Coleen Nolan after finding out her boyfriend of eight is cheating on her after their sex life went stale

Dear Coleen

I recently found out that my longtime partner was having an affair. It’s such a cliche, but after becoming suspicious that he was up to something, I checked his phone and found a lot of very intense emails he’d exchanged with another woman.

I confronted him and he knew he couldn’t lie so it all broke out as he cried and begged for forgiveness.

I pressed him for the details and he told me it was all about sex, that he and this other woman had amazing sexual chemistry, but he claims he’s not in love with her.

This admission cuts like a knife because our sex life has been awful and I feel bad about myself and my body for what it knows. I lost my job and have been home for months and I think I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. I’m so angry that instead of helping me, he just went out and slept with someone else.

Because we’re not married, I feel so insecure. He says he’s sorry and he wants to work on our relationship but my self esteem and confidence is destroyed. It was so hard to hear how attracted he was to this woman after we’d been together for eight years.

Coleen says

It sounds like your self-esteem was low before the affair and destroyed everything you had left. I think his excuse that it was “just sex” isn’t an excuse at all – is that supposed to make you feel better? Whether you are married or not, he has cheated on you, he has lied to you, and it is a betrayal.

It’s clear from your letter that it feels a bit like blaming yourself for losing your job and interest in life. What a partner should do in this situation is hold you and make you feel better, not run off and have an affair. It’s all his business – it was his decision. He has crossed the line.

If that is what you want it will take time, lots of talking, utter honesty and possibly advice, but the big question is can you trust
him again.

And think about it – if you rebuild your self-esteem and think about what you want, you might find that you don’t have to put up with it.

He’s made his choice, now it’s up to you to decide what you want as you advance.