“I’ve suffered from cheating and neglect for years, but I haven’t left my husband yet” – Coleen Nolan

A confused reader writes to Coleen Nolan, the Tormented Mirror’s aunt, for advice on her marriage – her husband has had affairs, shows no affection, does nothing in the house, but she is still with him

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years and both of our children have moved out so it’s just the two of us. There’s no other way to describe it – it’s hell.

He’s so withdrawn, we no longer have a physical relationship, and he treats me like I’m an employee. He doesn’t do anything around the house himself, even though I work full-time.

He’s moody, he snaps at me all the time, but he’s a popular guy, has a lot of buddies and is the life and soul of every party, which is very frustrating for me.

When our kids were younger, he cheated on me several times, but every time I found out, he asked forgiveness, promised to change, and I let him stay. But it was more for the kids and stability at home than anything else.

About a year ago I kicked him out after I found out he was texting some other women.

Again, I agreed to stop, but he’s just as irritating, moody, and indifferent to me as he’s always been.

He literally does nothing to show that he loves me or even likes me. I’m fighting a losing battle, right?

What advice would you give this reader? Share your opinion in the comment section

Coleen says

Yes, I think you are, and I wonder why you want to keep fighting this.

I also wonder why he would want to stay in a marriage that is obviously making him unhappy as well.

Nothing you’ve said makes me think you believe there’s anything worth fighting for — you don’t say you love him, he treats you with disrespect for years and he’s never tried to be himself to change.

You may have missed the window of opportunity when counseling would have been beneficial, although I would never rule it out.

I think you have to trust how you are feeling and find the confidence to act on those feelings. Yes, it’s hard when you’ve been with someone for a long time and raised children together, and there have certainly been happy times, but you deserve a good future.

I’ve faced divorce twice in my life and I can honestly say that while the process itself isn’t easy, the decision to break up is the most painful.

When you make the decision and act on it, there is a relief and you feel more confident and optimistic with every step you take. Much luck.