Question: I found a gift box of underwear in my husband’s office. It’s not my size – not even close. I will never wear what I see in that box in a million years. It’s been almost 10 years since he bought me underwear. The gift is clearly not for me.
I was angry, confused, and heartbroken, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter before confronting him. I’m thinking of going through his phone if I can find out his password. But if I found what I thought I would, I knew he would argue that it was a violation of privacy. He is a very private person.
I worry that there will be no way back for us after that. At the same time, I need to find out what’s going on. Is it ever reasonable to snoop on your partner’s phone? What should I do?
Answer: I’ve shared your dilemma with three experts, and they all admit you’re feeling shocked, angry, and hurt. Psychotherapist Brian Griffin, an IACP-accredited member and founder of Couples Counseling, notes that you may feel “paralysed” right now.
It can feel as if the trajectory of your life has changed, he adds, and your plans for the future are suddenly disrupted. However, Griffin doesn’t recommend snooping, either in this situation or in any other relationship situation.
“Snooping is secret in itself and if it is true that he is also being secretive, then snooping just creates more secrets, which could be a sign of a relationship,” he said.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, he added, and a relationship in which two people snoop on each other is not a relationship at all.
Psychotherapist and sex therapist Fidelia Idogho also emphasized the importance of trust when I shared your dilemma with her.
“In a healthy relationship, respecting a partner’s privacy comes from trust and a sense of security. It is not a ticket to deception, dishonesty or infidelity,” she said.
If you decide to snoop, Idogho says you still have every right to hold your husband accountable “in an honest and healthy conversation.”
Video of the day
However, she notes that snooping on a partner can open Pandora’s Box. “You don’t have to rummage through the trash because you can go out with dirty hands. Work with what you have. Just be realistic and own your feelings.
Instead of snooping, Griffin encourages you to “open a dialogue and go into the emotional realm.”
“You need to ask questions, but how you ask them is very important,” he said. “You want the best chance of getting the truth out of your question. If you want to elicit the best response, you don’t want to trap that person.”
This means avoiding accusations. “If you accuse someone, they will defend themselves. In the case of a husband being unfaithful or dishonest, he is now arrested and unfortunately, what most humans do when caught is lie,” Griffin said.
The best way to deal with the question is to guide how you feel “because no one can deny your feelings”.
“If I told you, ‘You don’t care about me and you always do this,’ I would just say, ‘No, I don’t. But if I say to you, ‘I feel very scared after what I find’, you cannot say to me, ‘No, you are not afraid’.
“If the relationship has any care, love, and courtesy, neither partner wants to hear the other say: ‘I feel scared, I feel lonely, I feel sad’.”
Idogho notes that you can still decide to snoop, but this doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy conversation about it with your partner.
She suggests you start the conversation like this: “John, I’m not in a good space right now. I had a feeling that you might be cheating on me. My instincts made me snoop on you and I found xyz. So many things are running through my mind right now, I feel devastated and I really want to know what this is like.”
She added: “Violation of privacy should only be an issue if there is no commitment to honesty, trust, accountability and honesty.
I also share your dilemma with psychotherapist Amy Plant, who says that snooping in a relationship depends on the circumstances. It’s one thing to snoop on a partner if you really suspect them of being unfaithful; Another thing to snoop on, of course.
However, what intrigues her most when reading your question is your concern about how your husband might react if you snoop. She says she wants more information, but without that information, she thinks it might speak to the dynamic between the two of you.
“To me, it would seem like a misguided or silly argument if he gets angry when faced with the evidence,” says Plant.
Couples often settle things based on “the severity of the violation,” she adds. In this situation, she says you’re anticipating a conversation where you say, “‘I found out you’re having an affair,’ and let him say, ‘I can’t believe you’re watching. over my phone – that’s such a violation’.”
Finally, Plant said, “You think your husband is having an affair and you think it’s not safe to talk to him about it.”
Perhaps you should take some time to learn about the underlying power imbalance or underlying fears it elicits before you consider the ethical dilemma of relationship snooping.
If you have a dilemma, email k.byrne@independent.ie.
https://www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/modern-morals-i-want-to-search-my-husbands-phone-after-finding-lingerie-in-his-office-thats-obviously-not-for-me-42314928.html Modern Ethics: I Wanted To Search My Husband’s Phone After Finding Underwear In His Office That Was Clearly Not For Me
