Modern Ethics: I’m flirting with my ex’s cousin – should I pursue things with him?

I met my ex’s cousin at a family wedding a few years ago. We got along very well and then kept in touch on social media.

In recent weeks, we’ve been chatting more and the messages have become quite flirty.

We’re definitely attracted to each other, but I don’t know if I should act on these feelings. I don’t want to cause a rift in my ex’s family, but I do think this relationship has long-term potential. What should I do?

​Answer: Your dilemma is a divisive one. While there are people who avoid dating friends or family members of their ex — and have strong views on people who do — there are others who have slightly more relaxed boundaries.

However, one cannot predict how they might negotiate this situation until they are in it, and even then, there are no hard and fast rules.

I shared your dilemma with dating coach Frances Kelleher, who notes that attraction is “an elusive thing.” “People need to connect with people on three levels to feel that the match is right: emotional, intellectual and physical,” she said. “If one of these things is missing, it just won’t work, so when people feel that real connection, it’s an extremely hard thing to ignore.”

In Kelleher’s opinion, you and your ex’s cousin should be free to pursue this relationship.

“We usually like the same types of people, so it’s not surprising that she likes her ex’s cousin,” she said. “She didn’t break any rules. It ended up being two years with her ex. He has moved and his cousin is free and single… My advice to this girl is to love and be loved.”

Psychotherapist Amy Plant in Dublin offered similar advice when I shared your dilemma with her. Although she admits that the situation “depends on the circumstances” (e.g. how close her ex is to his cousin), she thinks his cousin’s relationship is “sufficiently far away so that it doesn’t cross the line as much as his brotherly relationship or something like that.”

“Personally I think there is no problem with it, but I can say that, since the writer is concerned and asking for advice, it means that she is uncertain and she does not want to spoil the situation. you,” Plant said.

Her advice is to have an open conversation with your ex before pursuing a relationship with his cousin.

“Perhaps she could start by saying, ‘I can see that you’re really happy with your new partner, and now we’re friends and I appreciate that. I also like this person who happens to be related to you. I want to see how you can feel this.”

This is also an opportunity to acknowledge your specific concerns, she says. “She might go on to say, ‘I don’t want to do anything that might cause any weirdness between us or any of your family members. Does this make you uncomfortable? And if so, why?’.”

Plant emphasizes that this is not asking for permission, but transparency and respect.

She says: “When you end a romantic relationship, you end some elements of it when you don’t have much say in the person’s life and they don’t have much of a say in their life either. friend.

If your ex thinks it’s an awkward situation, there may be an opportunity to discuss it, Plant says.

On the other hand, his feelings might stem from stubbornness and misplaced ownership or, as Plant puts it: “’I don’t want to be with you, but I also want to decide if you can and who could be. ‘not with.’”

Even so, your ex is entitled to his feelings, she noted. “If her ex is sad, he is sad too. There’s no reason to argue that he can’t be upset.

I also shared your dilemma with a psychotherapist from Relationship Problems in Dublin, who encourages you to dig deeper into why you are considering a relationship with ex-girlfriend’s cousin.

After reading your letter, he said that there was only one sentence that caught his attention: “I don’t want to cause division in my ex’s family”.

He said: “I would think that maybe she still hasn’t completely left that relationship if she is still connected like that.

You say you’re ready to start a relationship with this man, but he wonders if you’re really “avoiding intimacy” by seeking a relationship that comes with inherent challenges. or not.

He said: “She’s been away from a relationship for two years so she’s probably looking for an excuse not to get into another.

On the surface, your main concern is not causing a rift in your ex’s family. And here’s the thing – pursuing a relationship with your ex’s cousin probably wouldn’t be the cause of a major conflict.

However, it will almost certainly lead to gossip, gossip, and backstabbing, not to mention some awkwardness in family events.

They say all is fair in love and war, but that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone will understand the romantic choices you make.

​If you have a dilemma, email k.byrne@independent.ie.