Modern moral: I gave neighbors the keys to my house, but I want them back now that the friendship is over

This accelerated last year due to a misunderstanding that escalated into a huge uproar. One of the people in the couple doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me anymore. It was about something simple with a neighbor.

Then her beloved cat died. I was very close to this cat and gave them space to deal with their grief and understood that on some level I could remind them of that grief. However, since then I have had very limited contact with the other partner in this couple and it was always I who made the first contact.

So in all of this I feel uncomfortable asking her to be a key holder as I feel our bond of friendship is now broken. How do I get my keys back without irrevocably cutting any remaining friendship?

Answers: Good relationships with neighbors are often taken for granted, that is, until they don’t fare so well. When social cohesion breaks down, we suddenly become aware of the closeness of our neighbors, their weaknesses and, in your case, the fact that they have your keys…

It’s not a comfortable situation for anyone. And while we like to think we can close our front doors and ignore the growing uneasiness on our doorsteps, various studies suggest that bad neighbors can negatively affect our mood, our health.

I have shared your dilemma with several mediators and all have emphasized the importance of clear communication.

Brian O’Byrne of Mediation Options strongly believes that you should do your best to rebuild the relationship. “I think if they try to exchange the keys back they will never talk to each other again and that will only make things worse. I don’t think there is an easy way,” he adds. “If they live in close proximity for so many decades to come, this should be attempted to be resolved if they can.”

O’Byrne suggests you make a “sincere attempt” to rekindle the relationship before bringing up the keys. “I tend to take a softer approach, even if it’s just a note or an email,” he says. “Maybe she could say something like, ‘Too bad we don’t have the same relationship as we did years ago.’ Then, if she doesn’t get an answer, she can say, ‘I’m sorry my approach didn’t work, maybe it’s time we give each other our keys back’.”

Neighborhood disputes like this are common, he adds. “A lot of these disputes happen because of an incident, and in many cases someone misinterpreted part of what happened, causing both parties to look at the issue from different angles.

“The only way for them to resolve it is for them both to express their points of view in front of each other or go to a mediator so they can listen to each other and describe the impact it has had on them.”

Mediator Kate Drew McGann offered similar advice. “First, you could still make the first contact by saying ‘good morning’ or ‘hello,'” she says. “One could also ask how they are coping with the loss of their cat today.

“Secondly, you could text them and say, ‘Would you like to meet for coffee and work out the difference about the misunderstanding?’ If you miss their friendship, you could mention it. That way you would be totally authentic.”

Drew McGann thinks the fact that they didn’t ask for their keys suggests they still want to help you and feel like you’re willing to help them too. “If you feel like you don’t want to help them and you don’t want them to help you, you have to give them the information,” she advises.

“Say something like, ‘I think it would be an idea for us to return our alarm keys. I want us to remain on friendly terms and you have been good neighbors and friends for over 15 years.”

That’s not to say the first step is easy. Reconnecting with a relationship involves vulnerability, which in turn comes with the possibility of rejection. Maybe you’re not ready to be vulnerable to your neighbors? Or maybe you’re not ready to think about what happens when your attempt at building bridges is flatly rejected?

In that case, you’ll probably do better with mediator Rachael McDaid’s suggestion. She advises against making a problem with getting the keys back. Instead, she thinks you should just swap out the locks to “avoid the inconvenience.”

“If that person doesn’t want the expense of changing the locks, just make a diplomatic request by sending a nice text message reminding them they have their keys and asking them if they want to update their keyholders.” , and she will return her keys to you,” she adds.

“Hopefully, this would open up the conversation to either give them a chance to reciprocate the request or maybe refresh old relationships.” She also notes that your neighbors may have already switched their locks, so there’s no need to discuss it with you .

McDaid’s council takes the path of least resistance, and sometimes in neighborhood disputes that’s the only path. But still, after reading your letter, I’m wondering if your dilemma is really about the keys. It seems to me you are hurt and confused. You miss the cat, your friends and you are not sure how your relationship has become.

A locksmith will cost you around €100, but it’s worth considering the emotional cost of losing good friends and neighbors. Likewise, it’s worth telling them how you’re feeling, if only to understand what exactly happened.

If you have a dilemma, send an email k.byrne@independent.ie.