CALLED: My husband just came out as bisexual. I feel like he’s been lying to me throughout our relationship and I don’t know who he is anymore.
I’m 40 and he’s 42. We’ve been married for six years and together for 12 years.
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He’s been very distant these days and I asked him what’s wrong yesterday. I was expecting him to say he was having a hard time at work.
Instead, he broke down and admitted that he had fantasies about other guys. He said absolutely nothing happened – and it won’t be because he loves me.
But years ago, before we met, he had sex with a man twice.
One incident happened when he was a teenager and he and his partner had oral sex. The second incident took place in a nightclub when he was in his twenties. He and another man kissed passionately.
He said he felt better for telling me, but I was very disappointed.
I can condone sexual experimentation. After all, he doesn’t cheat, and it happened before we even met.
What hurts is that he lied to me about who he is. We talked about past relationships and people we found attractive many times. Not once did he mention liking other men.
He knows he’s been bi for most of his life – ever since he was 14 – and has never told anyone before because he feels confused and embarrassed.
But I’m his wife, I tell him everything. He could have trusted me and was honest.
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I can’t tell anyone about this because it’s not my secret to share. My biggest worry is that he still isn’t completely honest with me.
I’ve read that sometimes men come across as sad when they’re actually gay, and eventually they get decent and leave their wives.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband may be relieved that he has lifted the burden on himself, but you are facing a huge shock.
It will take time to process this and it is important that you continue to have an open conversation. Be honest with him about your feelings and don’t make any hasty decisions.
Opening up to you is an important step and shows that he trusts you. Don’t jump to conclusions. If he tells you that he’s bisexual and not gay, it’s important that you listen.
Relationship counseling is a great idea for both of you to work through your feelings.
You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org or 020 7380 1960), who provides online help.
My support package on counseling will tell you more. I also have a support package, Bisexual Question, that has resources for both of you.
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https://www.thesun.ie/dear-deidre/8235043/hsuband-says-bisexual-how-can-i-ever-trust-again/ My husband says he is bisexual