“My kids lie all the time, how can I best respond or encourage them to tell the truth?”

The research literature also notes that the impulsiveness associated with adolescence may also increase the likelihood of lies being told, as teenagers may not think about the consequences of their actions and declarations. This is also cited as an explanation as to why children with ADD/ADHD could also lie.

But even before puberty, there are many other reasons why children lie. For example, when children feel under the microscope, they may lie to avoid an “inquisition” or to divert focus from themselves. For example, a child who is upset but does not want to talk about it may pretend they are fine to offset further questions about the reasons for their upset. In fact, children can find questioning quite difficult because they understand that there is a social expectation that they provide an answer.

Therefore, if they don’t know the answer, they may feel pressured and need to say something to please their parents. They can fumble with an “I don’t know” answer or give an answer they know their parents want to hear (even if it’s a lie). They may also know the answer but realize it is unacceptable for a parent and may lie again. They may want to protect others and realize that speaking the truth can get themselves or others in trouble.

Children can also lie to boost their self-esteem and make themselves look good in front of others. Sometimes it’s about fitting in or appearing more talented or impressive, sometimes it can be about avoiding appearing innocent or naive.

Then there are times when we may have even encouraged children to lie, the so-called white lie, an untruth in an attempt to avoid hurting the feelings of others. In many ways, this confounds the whole problem of lying, since knowing when and how to tell a white lie can even be viewed as a social skill. Children can also use them with their parents if they notice that their parents may be upset or disappointed with the truth.

Researchers have also concluded what many of us would assume, that lying to children creates poorer interpersonal relationships. In other words, when children lie, adults have a harder time trusting them and may end up getting even more angry with them.

Parents often test a child’s trustworthiness by asking them questions when the parents already know the answer. This can be an adult attempt to lure her into a lie. If you have information about the misconduct or error, provide it and ask for an explanation of how the error happened. Be authentically curious. This reduces the need for a child to lie since the truth is already known. There is no additional benefit in trying to catch a child in a lie. It’s far more useful to be able to actively reflect and see if you and they can learn from the mistake through open, non-judgmental exploration.

If we want to encourage children to tell the truth, we can start the process by consistently modeling this behavior ourselves. When they tell a lie, especially if it’s a grandiose lie designed to get attention, we can generally ignore them or tell them that this seems like a big story and that it’s better to tell the truth accept.

Similarly, in many other situations we either want to ignore the lie (unless it is significant or harmful) or simply correct it and encourage it to tell the truth. It can be really helpful to think about the circumstances in which your child is lying, as we know there are many reasons why they lie.

In most situations, their lying is likely to be a rational response to the difficulties they are facing. While this doesn’t excuse lying, it can often explain it in a way that we can be more tolerant, understanding, and avoid punishing. When children expect us to punish them, they often find it harder to tell the truth. We want to make it easy for them to tell the truth, so it can pay off to focus on the underlying issues rather than lies.