My lover wants to know his secret child but husband thinks the daughter is his

My boyfriend and I have a secret baby.

All he wanted was to be able to get to know his daughter and let her know he was her father.

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But I have to pretend she’s my husband’s child.

The stress is killing my lover. He is becoming depressed and has turned to alcohol.

I’m 42, he’s 46 and we’ve known each other for 5 years. Our daughter is three.

We love each other deeply and are both unhappily married, but have families that we can’t leave.

My husband is 51 years old and has a neurodegenerative disease, so leaving him alone and bringing the kids – we have two kids – would be even more cruel.

And my lover’s wife has made it clear that if he leaves her he will never see his children again.

I was pregnant with my lover’s daughter when the condom came off.

I briefly thought about having an abortion, but couldn’t get over it.

My husband seemed so excited at the prospect of having another baby that I thought I could turn him into him, and we would all be happy.

I can’t imagine how tearful it would be for my lover not to see his daughter.

He bought her presents, which I had to pretend were mine. He asked to see her pictures every time we met.

I really want her to know who her biological father is.

She’s a lot like him – she looks at him and turns her head when she smiles, just like him.

I think my husband can accept my affair because he can’t have sex now.

But he couldn’t deal with the loss of his young daughter. She is the only happiness he has left, and the truth will destroy him.

It breaks my heart and I don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: This is a terrible situation and sadly there are no easy answers.

While telling the truth can ease the burden on your mind and allow your lover to form a bond with his little girl, it will also ruin many lives.

Ultimately, your daughter deserves to know who her biological father is.

Something must change, as your lover is feeling the stress of keeping your affair and the existence of his daughter a secret to the point of being unbearable.

In the long run, he is capable of self-destruction. He needs to unload and get support.

Ask him to speak to someone confidently – his GP is a good first step. My support package on counseling has more information on this.

Also suggest that he call the Helpline, which provides confidential emotional support (supportline.org.uk, 01708 765 200).

My support package, Tear Between Two Men, can help you think through your options.

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