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My sex addict husband says he’s better

DEAR TEACHER: My sex addict husband claims he’s recovered, but he’s still trying to have sex with strangers.

I love him so much and don’t understand why sex with me is not enough.

Recently, I noticed he has started looking for escorts again - but I don't think he has found anyone yet.

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Recently, I noticed he has started looking for escorts again – but I don’t think he has found anyone yet.

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We have been married for 17 years. I’m 46, he’s 44 and we have a 14 year old son.

He also has a high sex drive and sleeps with both women and men at a young age.
When we met, he wanted to do it five times a day, every day.

Once the honeymoon was over, I couldn’t keep up. And I realized it was just sex – not me – that he wanted, and that hurt.

He also has a roving eye and, at the beginning of our relationship, he cheated on me at least twice. I forgave him and put it down to teething troubles.

In every way, he is a wonderful husband and father.

Then, about five years ago, he started seeing escorts whenever he got the chance – even going out during his lunch hour.

I was suspicious for months but finally caught him when I found condoms in his bag.

He promised it would never happen again. But he couldn’t explain why he did it.

I was so distraught that I said unless he helped me, I would leave him.

He was diagnosed as a sex addict, entered rehab and then spent years in treatment. I think he is cured.

But I never lost the habit of checking on him and I recently noticed he’s started looking for an escort again – although I don’t think he’s met one.

He also sent suggestive texts to a male friend, although they were ridiculed as a joke.

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I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again.

Should I accept this as part of him?

DEIDRE SAYS: If your husband is an alcoholic or drug addict, I don’t think you dream of just accepting that as part of his personality.

You will insist that he was helped – again.

Sex addiction is like any other addiction and if he loses control again he needs further treatment.

Just as alcoholics use alcohol to get rid of bad feelings and create euphoria for themselves, sex addicts use sex, normally outside of their relationship, to short-lived thrills numb their underlying pain.

Talk to him again and insist he return to therapy.

Some together relationship advice would also be helpful. Find support at related.org.uk or tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) online help is available.

My support package, Addicted To Sex, will also be helpful.

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Fry Electronics Team

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