When people in bars, cafes and restaurants are rude to staff, my reaction is what is the next level above a full body shrug

There’s nothing more humiliating than being a bystander when someone decides to complain, be difficult performatively, or even bully someone who is, to some degree, expected to take that crap as part of their job. And this exchange says so much more about them than they could ever imagine.

Recently I found myself in a restaurant with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. The facility in question has a “no tap water” policy and offered us bottled water instead. Annoying and silly yes, but when you’re spending a lot of money on food you’re not going to let a bottle of water ruin the overall experience, are you?

Well you are if you’re my girlfriend’s boyfriend. “I find that really shocking,” he began. Our waiter began to wither, his smile fading at the corners. The friend started to get even more outraged until he approached the two managers (young, female) and read them the riot file. Was it tap water? This is about tap water.

I watched in disbelief as his head shook around his shoulders in anger and jabbed a fat, middle-aged finger into their faces. My friend either didn’t see this exchange or decided against it. That was beyond all reason. Minutes later, and rather embarrassed with shame, I approached the two restaurant managers to apologize for the behavior of my girlfriend’s boyfriend. “That was actually really abusive,” they reminded me, their eyes brimming with angry tears. I still don’t know how I could have apologized for someone else’s appalling behavior and come to terms with their contempt.

I suppose my question is: why bother to be openly rude to the hotel staff? Complaining about bad food or bad service is one thing. What I don’t understand is being hostile or downright aggressive towards the hotel staff. Eating out or having a few drinks is a nice experience. Why ruin it for yourself and others by throwing your weight around, often just for the sake of it? Why the need to show the room that you are the supposed “superior”? And do you think paying honestly for a meal or drink gives you that “privilege”?

I’ve worked in bars for years and put on my most pleasant and submissive smile for eight hours at a time. I’m aware that being a bartender or waiter is tricky business. Her “performance” is that of a convivial, welcoming presence. If someone gives detailed instructions on how they like their order… well, the customer is always right and so on. But “three ice cubes and just the square ones” isn’t a personality trait, even if you think so.

Luckily in my years as a waitress I’ve never experienced overt aggression, but I do remember encountering many people who liked to treat the staff as if they were invisible, as if it were a sign of urban sophistication.

Maybe that’s why I fall on the other end of the spectrum, which may or may not be a bad thing. You could offer me a plate of steak with a spiked boot hanging out of it, and I’d still smile too much, thank you too much, and tip too much. Had I been the recipient of those infamous million dollar scones at the Cashel Palace Hotel last month, I probably would have swallowed my shock, coughed up the required €45 and made a mental note not to go there again without a credit union loan go , and just got on with my day.

Perhaps because of my years of working in bars, pubs, cafes and restaurants, I usually wonder for a moment at the person who is going to hand me a meal, drink or coffee. Do you enjoy your work? Do you hate the manager? Are they lifesavers? Are they as tired to the soles of their feet as I often remind myself?

Even if you’ve never learned about floats, split shifts, and FOH, you’d do well to ask yourself the same thing from time to time.