The launch failure sounds like a major malfunction in the Space-X program. However, in the psychological literature, start failure refers to adult children who leave their family home very late or never leave to live independently from their parents. In a similar context, “boomeranging” refers to those adults who have lived far from home and then, for whatever reason, move back home to their families of origin. In both situations it can be problematic when adult children live at home with their parents.
was planning to write about toddler tantrums today and was reading about individuation, which is the process that begins in infancy and continues throughout childhood where children realize that they are separate beings from and independent of their parents could be. Research on individuation also led me to read more about adults who never quite made it to full independence from their parents.
Economic factors are the main reasons adult children stay at home or return home after a period of independent living. For example, where the cost of living is lower (in the Nordic countries), fewer adults stay at home than in southern Europe. In some countries, such as Italy, they have found that adult child stay-at-home has become part of the culture and that many parents prefer their adult children to stay at home. Education is another important factor that discourages young adults from leaving home. In general, however, increasing age predicts more independent living.
The financial capacity of the parents also plays a role. Higher-income parents are more likely to have grown-up children living at home than lower-income parents. Similarly, parental separation and divorce (particularly when a step-parent moves into the family home) results in earlier departure and a reduced likelihood of returning. So it seems that when married parents seem like a strong, dependable base, their children are more likely to stay.
There are benefits to staying at home, especially for the adult child. There is usually an economic advantage to being able to save money. Many adult children also benefit from the facilities and luxuries available to them at home that they may not have when living independently. Some point to the emotional support parents can continue to provide, and some studies suggest that adult children maintain a closer relationship with their parents after they move away, often choosing to live nearby, for example.
Parents also appreciate the emotional closeness that can be fostered by continuing to live with their adult children, but despite these positive aspects, most studies suggest that non-starting and boomeranging affect both parents and adult children negative impact.
Parents often report that their adult children make little or no financial contribution at all. They also report that, even as they grow up, their children retain their childlike expectation that parents are there to attend to their needs, and so often do little or no chores. Both circumstances put pressure on the parents and can lead to resentment and feelings of being taken advantage of. Parents may feel that their privacy and their own ability to be independent may be limited by the expectation that they will continue to meet their son or daughter’s needs.
It is the delayed process of individuation that can also result in parents continuing to try to educate their adult child and perpetuate old rules and expectations that may have worked in a younger child but may not work in an equal adult. This is a complicated dynamic that can be driven by either the parent or the adult child, or sometimes both. The parents do not “push” the child as he approaches adulthood and/or the child approaching adulthood does not attempt to withdraw from his parents. Competing needs and a lack of clear expectations about how the relationship may need to change as the child progresses into adulthood can often lead to conflict.
This last point is key to adult children being able to stay at home successfully. Both the adult child and the parent need to renegotiate their relationships in which the roles and expectations of each other are clearly defined. Sometimes this can only happen through conflict. Indeed, one study suggests that having and resolving these disagreements is central to allowing adult children to differentiate themselves from their parents and establish their adult identities.
I think that’s what childhood and adolescence are for. Why wait until your child is an adult to encourage them to take on their adult responsibilities? Take the time to encourage independence in your children from an early age and they may be more willing to take their steps into adulthood before you get tired of them and they get tired of you!
