In the magazine store, you’ll find all the weird mistakes on the back that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a full page to make horrible jokes, marginally related to the content of the magazine”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the web, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our biannual feature, Back Page. Today Stuart examines the problems of a little pink ball with trees or a specific tree…
Mario has Bowser. Samus has Ridley. Even Pit has Hades. But Kirby saves the last drop of his boundless disdain for…a random tree.
Why? It’s a relevant question. Why does Kirby hate this tree so much? Seriously, what’s his problem? Almost without exception, on every adventure he refuses to get up in the morning unless the purpose is specifically to kill that unfortunate tree.
Unfortunately, Kirby’s motivation for this, like most of his behavior, is an absolute mystery. Nonetheless, it’s up to us chroniclers of Nintendo trifles to examine and try to come to an understanding of this most profound and one-sided of rivalries.
Let’s start by examining Whispy Woods’ very first appearance; the jungle that would shape three decades of brutal violence between pink blobs and brown saplings. Well, snotty-green sapling, we suppose, considering the original Kirby’s Dream Land was released for the monochrome Game Boy handheld in late 1992…
Kirby falls in the path of this tree and immediately goes on the offensive. However, Whispy appears to be an apple tree, and many of the guys detach from its branches and fall towards Kirby, dealing damage on impact.
But can Whispy Woods reasonably be blamed for the seemingly innocuous effects? severity? We say no – Kirby’s response of sucking up the apples and throwing Whispy back in his face is a ridiculous overreaction and, as far as we’re concerned, grounds for his arrest.
Whispy desperately tries to fend off Kirby by blowing air on him, but to no avail as Kirby steams the poor sod and spits her own apples on it until she’s beaten and hurt so bad that she is starts to cry.
You wouldn’t hit a tree with glasses on, would you?
After a nearly identical show in Kirby’s Adventure, Whispy returned in 1995’s Kirby’s Dream Land 2, this time wearing fake glasses and a face mask to distract Kirby from the inevitable brawl.
“Look!” he seems to be crying, voiceless and desperate: “I am another tree!”
But it’s not good. Kirby blasts the disguise and makes the hapless conifer brood over the floor all over again. While Whispy fights harder this time around – self-defense instincts see Whispy writhing its roots until they erupt to impale its attacker – a fairly one-sided damage pattern was noted.
Do you still think Kirby is cool?
It wasn’t until Super Nintendo’s Dream Land 3 in late 1997 that Whispy Woods finally went insane and refused to “take it”.
He rips his roots out of the ground, adopts a much more aggressive expression, and furiously pursues Kirby, spitting fruit and veg at him in a display of true alley cat power. Unfortunately it doesn’t help, Kirby is content with simply sending the projectiles back to the sender.
A valiant attempt to defend himself, but Kirby once again prevails. Why does there have to be this hate?
When I’m 64
Kirby officially crosses the line in The Crystal Shards when a Whispy in the center of the stage watches his three “Whispy Juniors” play happily in a small clearing, after which Kirby moves on to MURDER THEM.
Yes, he sucks up the apples Whispy tries to use to support his family and uses them as clubs to kill children. This rightfully gets Whispy back up and he unleashes his most aggressive attack yet, raining apples from all directions and sharp roots bursting out of the earth once again.
Can you really blame him!? What kind of monster are we dealing with here?!?
Bring a tank to an Apple fight
Speaking of crossing the line, Kirby’s behavior towards Whispy in Kirby’s Epic Yarn is frankly over the top, because he rocks along tank shape.
The Puffball Panzer then proceeds to make Apple Crumbs out of the fruitless Obstfeld Whispy. It’s actually borderline jarring how one sided it is. Come on Kirby! Pick someone your own size.
Oh right, Whispy is about ten times bigger than you. Forget.
After a terrifying 10v1 drubbing with a dual-screen Kirby Mass Attack Whispy, you’d be forgiven for thinking Kirby would go easy on the burning tree. Ha ha. What a joke. Of course not. His bloodlust has only just begun, as in Kirby’s Return to Dream Land he marches towards Whispy with a squad of Meta Knight, Dedede, and Waddle Dee and absolutely goes further body him.
There’s a twist this time though – Whispy tries to beat Kirby at his own game and suck him up, growing taller in the process.
However, if you think it will work, I have a bridge to sell you. And it’s made of wood.
Later still, in Kirby: Triple Deluxe, Kirby has the opportunity to shoot Flowery Woods, a glow for the ages as Whispy took the opportunity of Nintendo’s 3DS to go spectacularly multicolored, paved with lush bouquets worth glorious flowers.
Of course, Kirby took this opportunity to show absolutely no mercy and pepper the no doubt desperate tree with painful punches. Not to mention the eyestrain that early 3DS stereoscopic 3D gave him.
We can rebuild it
After all these years of heinous abuse, Whispy had to have all of his tree innards replaced with cybernetics just to stay alive. Result? A Clanky Woods.
Basically a mecha version of Whispy, Clanky Woods (and the later, harder Clanky Woods 2.0) are the apotheosis of Whispy’s suppressed aggression. He essentially turns the arena into a death trap like a massive, sycamore-like one Seen Movie.
But lest we forget; it was Kirby who pushed Whispy Woods into it. to become something else. Something new. Something dedicated death.
Save the rainforest
With the launch of Kirby and the Forgotten Land imminent, it’s become apparent that even after some sort of extinction event, Kirby can’t bring himself to simply ally himself with Whispy Woods, who, we might add, is a source of unlimited sustenance. Kirby would rather starve than let that tree live, you know.
It’s a huge shame, but if there’s one thing that’s consistent about the Kirby series, it’s its white-hot, burning hatred of Whispy Woods, whose sin against Kirby seems to be…literally nothing.
Kirby is devilishthen, and we hope there will be a game at some point where Whispy achieves that long-awaited victory against the salmon-colored Scourge.
But that won’t happen. Whispy Woods exists to suffer. Ex nihilo nihil fit. Phew!!
https://www.nintendolife.com/features/back-page-why-the-heck-does-kirby-hate-this-tree-so-much Why the hell does Kirby hate that tree so much?